Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll absolutely lose all self-control when a stranger in the Midtown Publix says you look like Scar from “The Lion King.” Upset, you’ll threaten to throw the person into the freezer case holding delicious ice cream. Instead, you’ll cry softly to yourself.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After “Yesterday” and “Born to Run” become box office smashes, you’ll write a screenplay for a movie based on the music of Nickelback. The movie, called “How You Remind Me,” will remind everyone how bad the Canadian band actually was.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — When life as we know it on Earth has ended 45 years from yesterday and you are leading a group of survivors to other parts of the region to avoid the zombie hordes, you’ll be incensed by the $6 toll you’ll have to pay to cross the bay into Baldwin County.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your world will be rocked when you learn two weeks from tomorrow that most dinosaurs were killed off by glass falling from space due to an asteroid and not the actual asteroid. You’ll also be shocked to learn no dinosaur had a cloaking device that helped make them invisible.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Much like the early August temperatures, your temper begins to boil while waiting in line to pick your kid up from school. The parent behind you won’t stop honking, despite the car’s inability to move due to traffic. You’ll get out and make honking sounds to the parent’s face.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In a valiant effort to spread God’s liberty far and wide, you’ll put on your MAGA hat and fly to Hong Kong to participate in pro-democracy demonstrations. The locals are understandably confused when you start chanting “Unite the Right!”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Fired from your job guarding high-profile prisoners at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, you’ll put your keen observation skills to use on an NFL officiating crew. After years of blown calls, you’ll be hired as the head referee for the NFC Championships.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With the kids back in school where they belong, you return to the public parks they’ve abandoned to resume your carefree pursuit of casual, no-strings-attached sex. In case the police show up, you’ll also carry an instrument, so you can play it off as if you were just performing a little casual, no-strings-attached sax.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Concerns about rising prices will run rampant after the employees at your favorite coffee shop attempt to unionize. However, in a right-to-work state like Alabama, your $9 bean water will never truly be at risk.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll take up a local campaign against red flag laws for gun purchases proposed by the Trump administration. Your opposition will be based on a simple premise: If Mobilans can all ignore red lights, they can probably ignore red flags, too.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Impressed after discovering the Impossible Burger does indeed taste like meat, you begin an experiment to genetically engineer a group of about 30 to 50 feral hogs to taste like kale. You’ll partially succeed, but the product will still not be embraced by Jews or Muslims.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In a personal best day of combining coupons and rewards points, you’ll buy a cart full of snacks, body wash, scented laundry beads and eye cream for less than $20. It’s all part of your plan to save enough money to cross a toll bridge daily.
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