Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Feeling rather patriotic after viewing the “rockets’ red glare” at a local fireworks display, you’ll rip your sleeves off, buy a giant pickup truck and sing Lee Greenwood’s only hit for eternity. It’ll only be guns, rare steak and Clint Eastwood movies for you going forward.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll do your part to help “Keep Mobile Bay Funky,” by committing to a shower strike over your recent Nappies defeat. You’ll punish those who didn’t vote for your one-person, gospel band by making them smell you from miles away. You’ll only agree to shower again on doctor’s orders.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — The Mobile City Council will firmly reject your idea to put an amusement park or carnival rides on the Civic Center site. The plan will be rejected despite your insistence that the Mardi Gras Association could host balls while hanging upside down inside the Gravitron, or while perched on the ferris wheel.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Nothing says summer to you more than a cold popsicle poolside. Unfortunately, you were recently kicked out of your swim club for going down the kiddie slide as a full-grown adult. Without the private access, you’ll be forced to pull up a lawn chair in your backyard.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In news that is making Alabama feel a lot more like Australia, you will be alarmed by the resurgent of giant wasps building car-sized nests around the state. To combat this, you’ll develop a giant fly swatter-like contraption. It’ll just make the wannabe bees angry.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Energized by the success of the U.S. women’s soccer team in the World Cup, you decide to get off your ass and exercise more. After finishing near the back of the field in your first ever 5K, you’ll ceremonially decline a visit to the White House.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Inspired by a local contractor’s maverick campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, you will also get in over your head. Lost in “the zone” during a Fourth of July backyard hot dog eating contest, you’ll accidentally consume multiple paper plates.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In a precedent-setting case for the entire vaping industry, your inability to not rip your Juul inside of a roadside fireworks stand will ignite an inferno that will take two fire departments to extinguish. It’ll be a great story to tell your future grandchildren over a couple Monster Energy drinks.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After being stuck in heavy Baldwin County traffic for the majority of Independence Day, you’ll go ahead and take a sick day on July 5. As the start of a new tradition, you’ll name it “Re-dependence Day,” the one cheat day of the year when you can relapse from your 12-step program without judgment or self-pity.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Sunburned and dehydrated after a day at the beach, you’ll relax in a bath of Calamine lotion with a holistic IV drip purchased off Amazon. There’s no telling what the ingredients were, but from that day forward everything tastes like fish oil.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Knowing that private space travel is just around the corner, you’ll sell local officials on contributing public money to a state-of-the-art space launch center in Mobile. Obviously, you won’t complete the project, but it will put the city on the map nonetheless.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — To solve the parking issue downtown, you’ll devise a plan where giant cranes positioned throughout the city simply lift unmanned cars into the air for a fee. You’ll make money hand-over-fist until the first big storm hits and the cranes crash into buildings.
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