Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be confronted by a disgruntled fan of Thomas Jefferson after referencing a sequence from the Broadway hit “Hamilton” that he believes is historically inaccurate. Luckily for you, he’ll be cosplaying and you’ll be able to dislodge his powdered wig and escape.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After discovering that your employer has close ties to the Trump administration, you’ll stage a one-man walkout. Twitter will applaud your bravery, but your coworkers in the U.S. Army will be confused by the sudden departure for days.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After seeing a Phish show with a close friend, you’ll leave with a new perspective. What was “spiritual” for him will provide you with enough motivation to renew relationships with friends who like other bands.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Overwhelmed by the explosion of new classy pizza joints in Mobile, you’ll start a dedicated blog to ranking all of the pies in the Port City. Unfortunately for locals, you like pineapple on pizza.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After discovering that you’re someone who reads horoscopes in Lagniappe, you’ll sink into a deep depression that culminates in a life filled with bad, inside jokes no one gets.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Realizing your dog has feigned an injury in order to get a bite of your food, you’ll begin to distrust the beast you’ve allowed to live in your home. Undeterred, the pooch will continue to manipulate you out of various lunch meats for years.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After 10 years of reading various iterations of fireworks tips, you’ll decide to throw caution to the wind and light a Roman candle while driving. The fun will be fleeting though as you’ll forget to roll down your window and fiery gunpowder will rain down upon you.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — With the success of Midtown’s newest attraction, an axe-throwing club, you’ll come up with the idea of a lumberjack park, since words apparently don’t have any meaning anymore. There will be saw races, log balancing and other fun activities for the whole family.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You love abbreviations, so when a request for a new downtown Mobile event comes to your attention you’ll gladly recommend Fest Fest. The event is a party honoring abbreviations, or abbrevs. You’re hoping for approx. 300 LOLs from fans and the fest will BRB the next year.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As a rather cold dose of punishment for your child who spent all evening crying at the dinner table rather than eating, you’ll drive the smaller you to Cammie’s and force the child to watch as you consume a brownie sundae all by yourself. It’ll be a master class.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll hit rock bottom as a parent next week when you realize that while your food is getting cold at a perfectly good table at your favorite restaurant, you’re bargaining with a 3-year-old on chicken tender consumption.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You love feeling like you’re wearing a sweater all the time, so you will be pumped when the calendar switches to summer officially. The short-sleeved shirts, shorts and ambient moisture will be cranked up to 11.
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