Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get into a tense situation at a screening of “Joker” after a mainstream journalist, devastated that nothing terrible has happened, attempts to start a riot amongst the crowd. He’ll be removed from the theater, but will somehow blame Trump for the incident on Twitter.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Representing yourself as the “third whistleblower,” you’ll reveal fresh allegations about an international scheme to extort a foreign nation. Turns out, you once attended a Halloween party with Justin Trudeau, who wore brownface to accentuate his Native American costume.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In the most “woke” commemoration of Columbus Day, you’ll commandeer a wooden sailing vessel for a return voyage to Europe. But unfamiliar with maritime navigation or seamanship, you’ll find no ancestors when you wash up months later on the shores of Tristan da Cunha.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll become the world’s biggest Braves fan after it is announced that they will take on your team’s archrivals in the playoffs this year. Nothing would make you happier than to see the “greatest fans in baseball” be sad.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be appointed to a committee sent to Major League Baseball headquarters to argue for the relocation of the Oakland Athletics to Mobile. The Mobile MethGators will be on their way until the city refuses to expand Hank Aaron Stadium.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In your latest harebrained, make-it-rich scheme, you’ll provide a food and drink delivery service to Ladd-Peebles Stadium to supplement the lackluster concessions. While your tuna poke bowl and avocado toast are popular sellers, all the people really need are your hot boiled peanuts.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Wise words from the Mobile City Council’s elder statesman, Fred Richardson, will help you figure out that we, as humans, are in fact only part of a simulation run by aliens on the planet Zarlac 7. You will join a small group of “knowers” from around the world.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With the first hint of fall finally in the air, you finally break out your beloved alpaca cardigan. After a visit to the zoo, you’ll be disappointed to learn a Tide To Go pen is not effective at removing llama spit.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an attempt to find a pumpkin costume the appropriate size for a 3-year-old, you’ll break down and just hollow out a real one, cut out holes for a head, legs and arms and place your daughter in it. Everyone’s happy until the homemade costume starts to smell halfway through trick-or-treating.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In a stunning move, your request that the giant MoonPie dropped every year from the Trustmark building in downtown be a real, edible dessert will actually be approved by the City Council. The plan, which will not be well thought out, will result in soggy, marshmallowy smears along office windows.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll narrowly make the deadline to pick up a gift for your wife’s birthday but will save the day by scoring tickets to the Mobile Symphony. However, after she contracts a mold-borne illness from the Saenger Theatre, you’ll be back in the doghouse once again.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll use Auburn’s bye week to collect yourself after a rather embarrassing display following the Tigers’ loss to Florida. With the game a few days behind you, you’ll realize you could have been born a Tennessee fan and move on surprisingly content with your life.
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