Virgo (8/23-9/22) — While Benjamin Franklin is quoted as saying beer was created to make us happy, the hop-filled beverage will make you sad, especially when you’re hungover in church. You’ll finally get to mark “barfing during a homily” off your bucket list.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by the Saints’ last-minute victory over the Texans during Monday Night Football, you’ll attempt a field goal from 59 yards. The resulting injuries and recovery will be a test case for orthopedic surgery students for generations to come.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Although you agree with President Trump’s decision to fire National Security Adviser John Bolton, you always lament the loss of a prominent moustache in a position of power. It should come as no surprise then when you nominate Tom Selleck as Bolton’s replacement.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Hearing that part-time elected officials are awarded free family health insurance in the city of Fairhope, you launch your campaign for mayor. Only after your first-ever appointment with a dermatologist will you learn there is no remedy for excessive butt sweat.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After finally digging yourself out from beneath the rubble of the “Great Alabama Hurricane of 2019,” you join the masses in long lines waiting for bread and water. There, a Washington Post reporter will interview you about Hillary Clinton’s role in Benghazi.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be appointed to Gov. Kay Ivey’s ATRIP II committee after an explosive 1975 audiotape emerges in which State Sen. Vivian Davis Figures jokes about wearing whiteface in a collegiate skit. Spoiler alert: Bridge or no bridge, Alabama will always remain poor and uneducated, just the way they like it.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Antonio Brown’s exploits to get under contract with the New England Patriots will pale in comparison to your antics when your boss announces an end to casual Friday. To protest you’ll wear a felt fedora, Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops every day until you’re fired.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll have to be resuscitated after passing out during Tim Cook’s latest keynote speech. While you’ll try your best to keep it together, as an Apple fanboy, the news of a backwards-compatible phone charger and a 1 percent battery life upgrade will do you in. #legend
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll decide to take the hard road when confronted by police over the weekend and wind up getting a close look at the Mobile Police Department SWAT team in action. Fortunately, you’ll survive the encounter, but you will also discover that a beanbag shotgun is nowhere near as fun as it sounds.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — While your neighbors are upset over the zoning application for a new pizza restaurant in town, you’ll be more disgusted over the $1 extra the place plans to charge for ice in drinks.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — To get in on the trend, you too will open a brewery in Downtown Mobile. The all-cider mill will feature the latest in alcoholic fruit technology. By law you’ll have to grow your hair out and keep your mustache well groomed.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll protest Netflix’s decision to feature comedians who make mean jokes by canceling your subscription. However, you’ll soon resubscribe after realizing rude people exist in the real world and the only way to escape it is by binge watching Bob Ross’ “The Joy of Painting.”
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