Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your brief stint as a cast member on “Saturday Night Live” will be short-lived after old tweets you made insulting Mobilians being unable to drive are unearthed. You won’t be kicked off the show but you will be killed by the person who runs the red light at Catherine and Dauphin.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After seeing that NBC is exploring a “Saved By the Bell” spinoff where Zack Morris is the governor of California, you’ll give up on ever seeing any type of original programming again. Defeated, you’ll purchase a ticket to “Avengers 15,” which is somehow a “Cars 2” reboot.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Football will all but end for you after your prefered team’s quarterback sustains a season-ending injury over the weekend. While there’s a possibility he’ll return by mid-November, those chances are slim, and you’ll have given up hope by Halloween.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — When a pizza is delivered to the office for someone sent away on an emergency assignment, you’ll face a serious dilemma. Realizing you’ve eaten too many toppings to go unnoticed, you’ll consume the whole pie and claim the driver never showed up.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Capsizing in a small boat with your beloved dog will raise questions about your pet parenting. While he couldn’t know you tried to offer him up as a sacrifice to a stick that you thought was an alligator, your furry companion will still seem distant in the days ahead.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The noise-canceling headphones you purchase will seem like a great buy until they accidentally lead to you being robbed in a home invasion that would have otherwise been easily detectable ahead of time. Ironically, the only thing taken will be those headphones.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll receive a cease and desist letter from Taco Mama after you open up Enchilada Daddy in the Publix shopping center in Midtown. Upset over the legal fiasco, you’ll change the name to Nacho Brother, but to no avail.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll fail miserably at your attempt to buy some fame for another famous bridge. You will try to get Dolly Parton to speak about her namesake bridge and maybe sing some songs from the top of it. Her agent will politely decline the offer and you’ll be devastated.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll make a bid to take over the lease at Hank Aaron Stadium just to have a place to store all of the receipts you leave in the bottom of your car. Nobody will be happy with this outcome and “see you in environmental court” will become your catchphrase.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You were the one who always scoffed at the term “threenager” until your upset child will go out of her way to slap you in the face after a disagreement about cleaning up toys. Red-faced, you’ll leave the room to cool off and she’ll continue to eat candy.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll get irrationally angry, as you often do, after explaining for the fifth time to a dumb co-worker that the eggs they eat in the morning come from chickens. Grossed out by the concept, the co-worker will become a vegan.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — As a form of protest against drivers who continually treat flashing yellow lights as four-way stops, you’ll take down all of the traffic signals in the city. Exhausted after a night of plundering, you’ll turn yourself in for what you feel is a victimless crime.
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