Libra (9/23-10/22) — You welcome the first week of fall by wiping the sweat from your brow with a handkerchief from Steve Harvey’s autumn collection. Your first attempt at a jack o’ lantern will decay in the sun by Friday, but it can be repurposed to provide flavoring for a seasonal latte.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Always searching for that next great hallucinogenic experience, you sneak into the Saenger Theatre to inhale some of its allegedly non-toxic mold. You’ll emerge three days later with unkempt hair and crystals from the chandelier, claiming they will attract chill vibes and prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Though you’ll continue to be unsure of who Greta Thunberg is, you will have seen enough people attacked for disparaging her or chastised for supporting her by next week to fake it until whatever she did is eclipsed in the news cycle. #gretathunbergisaperson
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — A discussion about the Oxford comma will become heated after someone insists anyone who doesn’t use the unnecessary punctuation is uneducated. In response, you’ll loudly threaten to punch them in the stomach, ribs and face.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You, the parent of a very active 3-year-old, will be forced to answer questions in front of the City Council next week at a hearing to determine if your home is a nuisance property. You keep your lawn mowed and immaculate, but the mess made by the aforementioned kid has neighbors concerned.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Having had your mind firmly in the gutter since late 2003, you won’t be able to make it through an office-wide discussion on the city’s largest pipe organ without giggling. Only you can take something so elegant and make it so disgusting.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After hearing that Frontier will not offer a direct flight to Chicago from Mobile during the winter months, you’ll pitch your idea for a drone-based commercial service to the Mobile Airport Authority. The idea consists of a drone with a large claw-like appendage and a few very brave passengers.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll take issue with the county’s plan to add a Chicken Salad Chick into Government Plaza after realizing that the popular restaurant could cut into your illegal street meat business. While protesting the decision, you’ll be cited for more than 30 health department violations.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be sleeping better after getting a new mattress. However, the increased REM cycles will significantly increase you ability to ignore all 13 of your alarms. While being fired isn’t fun, having a good bed is the first step to really leaning into depression.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After picking a fight with a climate activists on one of the many social media sites those dang youngsters are using now, you’ll be criticized by a number of prominent politicians because that’s where we are as a society. You, an unelectable nobody, will start trending nationwide.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be upset when a particular sports team known for choking in big moments does it again after a short hiatus. The sky won’t be as blue and food won’t taste as delicious because the team that shall remain nameless did what it has almost always done.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Trying to keep up with all of the latest news of former Steelers, Raiders and Patriots player Antonio Brown, you’ll set up a Google alert for any news about the beleaguered receiver. After roughly five seconds, your phone will shatter and burst into flames.
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