Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll ask your cable provider if you can only pay for 50 percent of your premium sports package, arguing that you’re only able to handle watching half your favorite team’s beleaguered season. They’ll say no, but will agree to reduce your bill by $500 when you threaten to cancel.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Unaware of the new security protocols at Ladd-Peebles stadium, you’ll try to enter a high school game with one of the limited-edition Star Wars “thermal detonator” Coke bottles. After being detained, Chresal Threadgill will personally throw you into Virginia Street.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll grow concerned that your excitement over Bo Nix’s strong start as Auburn’s quarterback may have been misplaced after the freshman phenom throws five interceptions next week. In response, you’ll cover up your new “I <3 Bo” tattoo by adding “obs” to the end.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After hearing about Walmart’s plans to roll back the sale of some ammunition in their stores, you’ll begin shopping at the Family Dollar instead. One you realize the Family Dollar never sold bullets, you’ll start a farm and grow your own food. #2A
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A fight between you and your brother-in-law will ensue during your league’s fantasy football draft. Having bested him last year, your foresight to draft Ezekiel Elliott ahead of his contract extension will lead to a physical altercation and an awkward Thanksgiving.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After catching you eating an Impossible Whopper, your father will disown you in a ritualistic ceremony that involves pushing a basket of meat out to sea and shooting it with a flaming arrow while Rick Flair’s “Nature Boy” theme plays over a Bluetooth speaker.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With four full years of eligibility remaining, you’ll try out for Alabama’s kicking job because you also can miss field goals. The tryout will go fine until you realize your age, get winded and begin to weep. You’ll be laughed off the field.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get hired on at the library only to discover that nobody knows who you actually work for. You’ll ask different staffers and administrators, but get different answers. With no resolution, you’ll call yourself a sovereign employee. You’ll then pay yourself.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In honor of a certain city councilor who recently turned 80, you’ll spend next weekend answering calls with the tagline “you ring, I spring” and wearing two watches. You’ll also eat your weight in MoonPies and obsess over open ditches.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be hired as the city’s new waterfront coordinator. Your first act in the position will be to turn all of the port’s tugboats into a bumper boats attraction for GulfQuest. It’ll go great until all commerce grinds to a halt.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — At a future council meeting, you’ll argue that the city’s budget would be much more useful if it all went to pay for a new river bridge. Sure, Mobilians would have no more services from the city and more than 200 employees would be laid off, but it would pay for a small chunk of the bridge cost.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your roller derby league will take over the lease of Hank Aaron Stadium. Finally your team of misfits called the Hateful Skate will have a home rink and a scoreboard to display the killer derby names like Jackie Joyner Hearsey and Madeleine Alblight.
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