Cancer (6/22-7/22) — With enthusiasm growing over a unified Mardi Gras flag, you’ll propose a new city flag for the city of Mobile. You’ll shock everyone when you announce it’ll be an uprooted oak tree to help symbolize progress in the city.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll get a free Chick-fil-A sandwich on “Cow Appreciation Day,” but will be unable to enjoy it after realizing your black-and-white summer ensemble is easily mistaken for bovine costumery.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Thirsty for more power, you’ll try to become a candidate for the city’s director of public works. Your resume will be spotty at best. Unfortunately, mowing your own lawn does not qualify you for a major position within the city.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — To protest the loss of Alan Sealls, you’ll begin graffiting meticulously detailed cumulonimbus clouds on the WKRG building. Across town, WPMI will fear what your response might be if Chris Dunn is ever let go.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be disgusted at the small steaming present your poodle leaves in the living room as you prepare to leave for work two weeks from today. In retaliation, you’ll leave him the human-sized fecal equivalent in his kennel.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Putting your household through its paces during an emergency drill, you’ll become stuck in your bathtub with family members and a couple of pets. When the fire department’s most specialized tools fail to free you, everyone somehow manages to escape after “Old Town Road” is played repeatedly for several hours.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Tragically, after buying a restaurant-quality blender in hopes of making healthy smoothies part of your routine, you’ll discover that it can also produce milkshakes. While they won’t bring the boys to the yard, the shakes will bring the blood away from your feet.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In your latest food tourism venture, you offer a package that includes a one-day tour of Panini Pete’s restaurants. You start with a breakfast sandwich in Fairhope, move to the Sunset Pointe for lunch, have dinner and drinks at Ed’s, then finish with fourthmeal at Squid Ink.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Seismologists will be puzzled by the latest aftershock measured in a spate of California earthquakes. Eventually, it will be traced to the gas you pass after consuming your sixth watermelon this month.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To everyone’s surprise, you’ll win the contract to redevelop the Civic Center. Renaming it the “Gaslight District,” you’ll promise a Carnival venue, apartments, shops and eateries, but deliver on none of it. You’ll lose the contract after a year.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After ignoring you for years, a friend will finally tell you no one listens to any music you share on Facebook and that captions like “Some Counting Crows for your Tuesday” only solidify that decision.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Over the weekend, a friend that never has their act together will confide in you that — once again — they don’t have their act together. The revelation will prove noteworthy as scientists years from now study how you managed not to respond with: “No s**t!” ZWZW
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