I am about to go on vacation and I can’t wait. I am going to sip on tropical drinks (hopefully served in coconuts) and read a book (maybe even a real one with real paper pages!). And I am going to avoid Twitter and any “news alert” that I get on my phone like the plague. It’s going to be pure bliss, or rather like living in the ‘90s!  Same difference! I may even break out my Doc Martens, wear a grungy, plaid shirt as a bathing suit cover-up and listen to Nirvana and Soundgarden on the beach. Black Hole Sun! Won’t you come and wash away the rain (Full disclosure: I thought it was “Glaucoma Sun” for years.)

But before I can fully enjoy this paradise, I must get a few things that have been bothering me off of my chest. You know, so I can fully relax, or chillax, as we said in the ‘90s. (Was it the ‘90s?)

Whatever, let the pre-vacay rant begin!

“Too polished”? Seriously?

Before the election last week, I was listening to local talk radio and heard a caller saying she wouldn’t vote for Bill Hightower for governor because he sounded “too much like Mitt Romney.” After her call, the host and his guest were saying they did think sounding “too polished” in Alabama could be a political liability and a turn-off to voters. I’ve heard this argument before. Statements like “he thinks he smarter than us” or “he just doesn’t sound like us” often come up when this subject is broached.

Geez. Where is the “shaking my head emoji” when you need one?

So let me get this straight — being highly educated and well-spoken is something we DON’T want in our elected leaders? OK, so why are any of us even bothering sending our children to school? Forget the college fund! We don’t want junior soundin’ too fancy!

I just don’t understand this mentality. I want my leaders at the city, state and national level to know every nook and cranny of policy, know the municipal or state code forward and backward, and sleep with the state and U.S. constitutions under their pillows. (I know, with the size of Alabama’s that will lead to neck problems, but that’s the kind of dedication I am looking for!) And the more degrees and education the better! Harvard, Yale, Princeton? Yes, please! The more uppity the school, the better!

When I hear them speak, I want to feel like they are the smartest person in the room and I am really, really dumb, not the reverse. I am fine with having an inferiority complex. Because if they are brilliant, they have a chance at doing brilliant things for us. Right?

If I wanted someone who sounded folksy or “like me,” I would encourage my uncles to run for public office. And trust me, that would not be a positive move. (Note to my actual uncles: I am not referring to you personally. I mean goofy uncles in the general sense.)

This thought process is the same as when people stop seeing a brilliant doctor because he has a “bad bedside manner.” I’ve never understood this either. Sure, it’s a bonus if a doctor is likable, but it’s on the bottom of my list of my priorities for a physician. I don’t need my doctor to be my best friend, I just want him to be the absolute best at what he does.

If he’s an arrogant tool but saves my life because he’s such a badass, I’m totally fine with that. I’m not looking for someone to gossip about “The Bachelorette” with or go on vacation with; I just want someone who can remove my tumor with great precision.

Same goes with my elected officials. Not the tumor extraction. Just being a brilliant badass. You know what I mean.

When will he have “Enough”?

My God. I really can’t stand watching the president of this country berate our former senator and current Attorney General Jeff Sessions anymore.

I don’t care if you like Sessions or not, how can you not feel sorry for the guy? I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy like that. Well, maybe, my worst I would, but not someone I just generally disliked. It’s like watching some bad Lifetime Movie starring Valerie Bertinelli as the battered wife.

When will Valerie finally get the strength to fight back? (Probably after she takes a kickboxing class and cuts her hair during a heavily synthesized music montage — that’s how these movies work.) But when will AG Sessions find his strength and say “Enough,” like the battered wife played by Jennifer Lopez in the movie with the same title (and I think a haircut and some sort of boxing is also part of that movie)?

Seriously though, the amount of emotional abuse the president heaps on him in such a public and humiliating fashion is painful to watch. It says a lot about both men, doesn’t it?

I would just love to know what Sessions privately says to his wife every time he picks up his phone and sees another demeaning tweet about himself from the leader of the Free World. I imagine it goes something like, “That mother …”

All I can say is I can’t wait for the book! Maybe they will turn it into a Lifetime Movie starring Eric Roberts as Jeff Sessions. (I know they don’t look alike, but Eric Roberts is the go-to Lifetime lead male role actor, so it has to be him. It’s the law. Just ask the attorney general.)

Thanks for letting me unload. I feel much better now. I have to pack my flannel shirts and bathing suits now. Can anyone tell me where I can find one of these real books?