Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll go “cavalier” at the Conde Cavaliers parade Friday when you repeatedly hop over the barricades and risk your life to retrieve $.03-cent trinkets from the rain-soaked street.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by Mobile’s original nursery entrepreneurs, you’ll attempt to splice the DNA of kudzu and poison ivy to create an inexpensive living “wall” of vines which may or may not deter illegal immigration.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After trying each and every one of the offerings at this weekend’s King Cake-Off, you’ll require an injection of glucagon. Years later, when surgeons are clearing your arteries, they’ll remove a baby-shaped blood clot.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Things will get real existential at a concert by The Krickets when they start playing a Scorpions cover in the style of The Beatles, to the beat of an Iron Butterfly tune.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll cave to the pressure and admit what you did when the National Enquirer threatens to post photos of you proudly wearing a “hip-hop Looney Tunes” T-shirt from the early ‘90s. Thankfully, your blackface photos are still private.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by the spending habits of some local public entities, you’ll outfit every room in your house with a talking toilet. “The Pot-diatrist” will take stool samples every day and diagnose illnesses.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In an effort to defend against a raid by the Mobile Police Department’s SWAT team, you engineer and outfit your house with a Krispy Kreme cannon capable of firing 300 glazed donuts per minute. Wait ‘til they see your sprinkle gun.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Inspired by the Conde Explorers parade, you’ll go to Fort Conde to explore. You’ll find a hidden map in a picture frame that will direct you to a gang hideout, where a deformed giant will lead you through an underground tunnel and past booby traps to One-Eyed Willie’s lost treasure.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll hijack the replica Columbus ships at The Wharf and sail back to Spain, carrying nothing but a payload of healing crystals and as many anti-vaxxers you could lure.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get disoriented somewhere between Mobile Mardi Gras Route K and Mobile Mardi Gras Route Z. Searching frantically for a recognizable landmark, you eventually follow a trail of sludge leaking from Hayley’s bathroom.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an effort to maximize your return, you’ll get creative when filing your taxes this year. Medical expenses may include nipple augmentation for your dog, and technically, child support is a charitable contribution.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After an argument with a Dutchman online, you’ll be relieved to find out that because the Netherlands has never faced widespread oppression, you can, in fact, make fun of Flordoflorsten Van Den Berg’s name.
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