Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be reprimanded by many other parents after you take dodgeball a little too seriously at the local indoor trampoline park. Sure, dressing up in light blue camo and war paint was excessive, but those 4-year-olds had no chance when you started crawling across the mat.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an effort to mess with the head of ongoing “Jeopardy!” champion James Holzhauer, you appear on the show as a contestant to respond to each answer with the question, “Who is James Holzhauer’s mom?” You’ll both lose, but you’ll be satisfied knowing you sent the confident player into a prolonged existential crisis that will take years of therapy to recover from.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Unsuccessful in your search for more affordable housing options in Baldwin County, you ask officials at the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo if they would consider a human exhibit at their new facility. Informed that it may run afoul of certain constitutional protections, you argue that you are, in fact, a primate, so the ape habitat will suffice.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With crawfish season quickly drawing to a close, you abandon all the other sources of nutrition to eat your fill of mudbugs before it’s too late. The repetitive motion required to enjoy the delicacy will give you the medical community’s first diagnosed case of “suck face.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Buying into the Common Sense Campaign’s mantra that all tax is bad tax, you take it a step further and stop using any public services or infrastructure that are subsidized by public money. Soon, realizing you can do next to nothing without some form of government assistance, you reluctantly support an additional pittance for public education.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A bad week will get worse when a fiberglass diving board cracks under the weight of your enormous feet. Already sad at the realization that you’re not quite in summer shape, you’ll shame-eat a large order of fries from McDonald’s.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be relieved to get the confirmation that Roy Moore will indeed take another shot at the U.S. Senate. While concerning, it will be a welcome distraction from all of the other ways Alabama has been a national embarrassment since his last campaign.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Realizing the government had a secretive program to study military sightings of UFOs, you’ll reconsider things you initially dismissed as “weird-looking, super fast birds” in your “college daze.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The recent heatwave will claim another victim this week after you mistakenly leave a Hershey’s bar in the car. You’ll be sad to lose the treats, but your passenger will have a worse day explaining the instantly noticeable stain on his trousers.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hoping Will Smith will finally close the curtains on his acting career after his laughable performance in Disney’s “Aladdin,” you send his agent a hot new country-themed remake of his 1997 hit “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.” In true Will Smith style he’ll fail to recognize your genius, but your track “It Gettin’ Wit Jiggy” will reach the Top 200 chart on ReverbNation.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Entering a second straight week with temperatures above 90 degrees, you begin to seek out new indoor experiences. You’ll finish an escape-room challenge before time expires, but you’ll request to remain locked inside until the weather becomes more enticing.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — An unexpected increase at your doggie daycare will put your monthly pet costs over the edge. After a budget reevaluation, you realize the dog’s net worth is somehow greater than your own. Armed with that new information, your dog will ask you to move out immediately.
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