Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In conjunction with Celebrate Historic Mobile, you decide to hang on to that old, smelly recliner you’ve had since the ‘90s. Your latest discovery is not the Clotilda, it’s just a rudimentary duck blind built by some fellas out of Chickasaw.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Mobile ArtWalk will become FartWalk after you ask for a second side of beans at El Papi beforehand. Your latest discovery is not Henri de Tonti’s missing hand, it’s discarded chicken bones from Popeye’s.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll slather yourself with Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax and hang 10 to the surf rock of Yonatan Gat at The Merry Widow. Your latest discovery is not Joe Cain’s headdress, it’s just a feather boa one of his mistresses used to crotch floss.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll satisfy your meat tooth at TexarBama’s grand opening in Fairhope this weekend. Your latest discovery is not Hank Aaron’s first baseball bat, it’s just the remnants of a recent blighted-house demolition.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll jump the gun and start shopping at the midtown Publix before it even opens. The veggies are so fresh they aren’t even there yet. Your latest discovery is not a time capsule buried by Jean-Baptiste Le Moyne de Bienville, it’s just a coffee can full of dogecoin.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll concoct a generic seafood flavoring to remind diners how their dinner would taste had the state not closed the waters to harvesting due to high bacterial counts. Your latest discovery is not the cornerstone of Mobile’s first courthouse, it’s just a rectangular fatberg from the sewer system.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll turn “Over the Edge” into an X Game by BASE jumping off the Mobile Marriott instead of rappelling. Your latest discovery is not the ghost of Charles R.S. Boyington, it’s just Keyboard Keith looking for someone to listen to his latest ballad.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll channel your inner thespian at the Southeast Theatre Convention and communicate exclusively in Early Modern English. Your latest discovery is not the membership roster of the Ku Klux Klan, it’s just a list of conservative leaders in the Alabama Legislature.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll open up a restaurant that exclusively serves crawfish a la Instant Pot. Your latest discovery is not the bra you left in the Flora-Bama in 1987, it’s just the bra someone left in the Flora-Bama in 1987.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Admiring his ability to play the long game, you’ll ask Charlie Wyckoff if he’ll run for president in 2028. Your latest discovery is not a Springfield Model 1861 from the Civil War, it’s an AR-15 legally purchased by a 15-year-old last week.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In honor of AeroStar’s expansion in Mobile, you purchase a 1992 Ford AeroStar someone was conceived in at a Bon Jovi concert. Your latest discovery is not the most exclusive restaurant in Baldwin County, it’s just Waffle House.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As a permanent solution to campus violence, you suggest reverting to an educational system of in-home tutors and apprenticeships. Your latest discovery is not a long-lost invention by Lonnie Johnson, it’s just a back scratcher purchased from the truck stop on the Wilcox exit.
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