There are times in history when oppressed people have risen up, banded together and done amazing things.
Our very country was founded by people fed up with the British drinking all our tea, forcing us to eat crumpets and talking strangely, so we got together and formed a more perfect union. The key there being more perfect. We still have problems, and oppression lingers long after George Washington’s wooden teeth became termite food.
Which brings us to 2019. We the people of Southwest Alabama stand to be oppressed once again — this time through the imposition of a TOLL BRIDGE! The people of our area are outraged, but Governor Handpuppet has told us to suck it up and stop whining, the legislature seems mostly unconcerned about tolls coming to Southwest Alabama and ALDOT has taken on the role of the Hessians, or whatever jackbooted thugs the British hired, to make crossing the bay a $6 decision.
All of this as we’re still stinging from the goons on Goat Hill stealing millions of BP funds from the coastal counties a few years ago, just to pour it all into the gaping maw of the General Fund. There’s a pretty clear pattern of disrespect.
This abuse isn’t new. We rarely get much of a seat at the table when it comes to running the show in Montgomery, and are generally treated like a foreign country by much of the state. But maybe it’s time we stop just taking it. It’s time to overreact!!
One need only look east and west to find like-minded citizens who’ve been jerked around by the more populous parts of their respective states. Mississippi serves as a mirror image to Alabama in this regard. Growing up along the Mississippi Sound, we were always referred to derisively as “Coast Trash” by all the high-falutin’ folks in goat-marrying country to the north.
To our east is the Florida Panhandle — a part of the state generally treated like an inbred cousin at the family reunion by the rest of the state. In almost every way the Panhandle is a square peg in a round hole when it comes to cohesiveness with the rest of the state.
It seems to me both of these neglected neighbors have probably had it up to their eyeballs as well and could be ready to make changes too. It’s time for the Mississippi, Alabama and Florida panhandles to secede from their respective states and form the new state of Missiflorabama.
Much like our Founding Fathers, who got together wearing wigs, stockings and frilly shirts to sweat like pigs while discussing the formation of the United States, some of our greatest local thinkers have come together to eat like pigs — shoving Popeyes’ new chicken sandwiches into their faces — while laying the groundwork for this bold, new state. The idea has been batted around before, but batting practice is over.
When you sit down and put pen to paper, the idea of Missiflorabama not only makes sense, it actually seems insane we haven’t done this sooner. Our new state would immediately become the jewel of the Southeastern U.S.
Just imagine what our three underappreciated areas bring to the table. There’s casino gambling in Mississippi, the sugar-sand beaches of Florida’s Gulf Coast and GulfQuest in Alabama.
Consider this, Missiflorabama would feature three ports — Gulfport, Mobile and Pensacola — several large universities, casinos, the lottery, dog tracks, a retired battleship, the Crichton Leprechaun, a Naval Air Station with the Blue Angels, three Air Force bases, the best beaches in the world and the first Buc-ee’s built outside of Texas!
Just think about all that casino, lottery and port money not being blown hundreds of miles away in parts of a state that doesn’t care about us, but squandered right here in Missiflorabama! We’d be rich! This bridge issue would be simple enough. We just drive up in a giant Caddy with horns on the front, get out and pay cash for the sucker. No tolls. No exorbitant interest rates. Just straight cash from Missiflorabama’s overflowing coffers.
It makes perfect sense that the state’s western boundary is the Louisiana state line. We’ve considered taking in some of that prime fishing country below New Orleans, but ultimately decided we don’t need the headaches of dealing with the Louisiana swamp folks. Things are a bit trickier on the eastern and northern boundaries of our new state, though.
The Suwannee River makes a perfect cutoff point on the east, but there’s one hang up: Tallahassee. Seeing as it’s the current Florida State capital, there could be backlash, but we’re guessing this would be just the chance Florida’s been waiting for to officially declare Disney World the state capital. So welcome aboard, Tallahassee! Let’s start talking about getting FSU renamed and into the SEC.
The northern border is easy enough through Florida — we’ll just take the Panhandle all the way up to the Georgia and Alabama state lines. Alabama’s not too tough either as Mobile and Baldwin Counties fit snuggly up along the same line. We may have to take six Mississippi counties though. I expect some debates about this.
As the largest city in MFB (as we’ll shorthand our state name), Mobile is the obvious choice as the state capital. The GM&O Building would make a perfect governor’s mansion, and the legislature could meet in GulfQuest! Sorry Tallahassee, maybe you could turn some of your government buildings into a museum about containerized shipping. Give us a call about some exhibits.
We should probably place the governor’s southern mansion in Panama City Beach, just to make sure the trashier areas of MFB don’t feel left out. We don’t want to do to them what’s been done to us for so long. Plus when it comes to economic development just imagine the advantage we’d have when those CEOs are hammered on Bushwhackers and trying to read tramp stamps.
A few more housekeeping notes: The state bird will be the seagull. The state flower is the azalea — no brainer. The state fish will be the hardhead saltwater catfish.
The state motto is still a work in progress. Right now it’s a mishmash of the three former states’ mottos and ended up, “We defend our valor by God!” It needs tweaking. There’s also been spirited debate about whether the beach mouse or the nutria should be the state rodent, but things appear to be leaning nutria at this point. Our flag will feature a hardhead catfish fighting a seagull.
It looks like we’re off and running. I can’t wait for the constitutional convention. It’ll be at GulfQuest, of course, and catered by Buc-ee’s.
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