Leo (7/23-8/23) — Happy that Carnival is staying around for another 18 months or so but still financially broke AF, your next cruise will be as a stowaway on a causeway bait boat. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a catfish dinner as a distraction.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Wearing your favorite red and white striped raincoat, you’ll be mistaken for Augustus Gloop at Playhouse in the Park’s production of “Willy Wonka — The Musical.” You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using undocumented immigrants as a distraction.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — While attempting to solve the mystery of jubilees on the Eastern Shore, you’ll be temporarily deprived of oxygen. You’ll see a giant talking MoonPie in the resulting hallucination. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a Yeti cooler auction as a distraction.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be chastised for cultural appropriation during Tiki Week. You’ll board your outrigger canoe and return to your thatch-roofed hut on a Polynesian island, where you will shame-eat conch soup. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a football highlight reel as a distraction.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In your latest get-rich-quick scheme, you’ll start a GOP consulting business offering Senate candidates the largest lips with which to kiss the president’s ass. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using kittens as a distraction.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll replace live dog races at Mobile Greyhound Park with live turtle races. The competition will be lame, but the competitors will have one “shell” of a time. #kneeslap You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using “Duck Dynasty” as a distraction.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll remove a flapper dress from a mothproof bag in preparation for the Gulf Coast Ethnic and Heritage Jazz Festival. You’ll break your ankle doing the jitterbug. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using Bocephus as a distraction.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — At the suggestion of The Beer Professor, you’ll take a brewery tour of Mississippi. You’ll patent the intellectual rights to a new malt liquor, Steel Magnolia Reserve. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a Chevrolet Silverado as a distraction.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll spend hours in a recompression chamber after getting the bends during a dive on the LuLu. All the while, you’ll be bothered by the nagging feeling you left the stove on in the galley. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a gun show as a distraction.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Trying someone else’s grandmother’s potato salad recipe, you’ll confirm your own grandmother’s is far superior. She always served it up with plenty of sass and the occasional ass whoopin’. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using a bomb threat as a distraction.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll begin to train for viewing the upcoming solar eclipse by staring at the sun for brief intervals. It’s funny how everyone you see suddenly looks like a bright white orb. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using UFOs as a distraction.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) —You’ll be more depressed than Gudetama when you realize there’s no snacks in the house. Luckily, you find a Chococat in the couch and a Cinnamoroll in your jacket pocket. You’ll mastermind an Alabama jailbreak using Kuromi as a distraction.