Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Based on the savings generated by shrinking its police jurisdiction, you’ll be inspired to push Mobile to shrink its borders to include only businesses. This idea will be unpopular among residents, but the business owners will elect you to the city council.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Following in Tim Tebow’s footsteps, you’ll try out for a number of Major League Baseball teams. The tryout will not go well, as even a pitching machine ball gets by your slow bat. You’ll still do better than Tebow.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be added to the no-fly list after recreating the Joe Jefferson Players’ production of “Sweeney Todd.” Incidentally, your trip to “Chicago” will be canceled. Well, it’s all “Much Ado About Nothing” anyway.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your unlicensed bookkeeping side gig booms after the Legislature fails to pass a lottery bill. Soon, using the proceeds from illegal snail races and dice throwing, you’ll purchase everyone’s Medicaid and save “Obama Care.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the support of increased police presence downtown, you’ll open the newest Lickin’ Good Donut shop. Business will be so successful you’ll open a second restaurant. Stereotypical Stew will be popular among the lumberjack and Civil War reenactor crowd.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After listening to a podcast about the reproductive habits of common waterfowl, you begin to look at the Duck Boats in a whole new way. While they are still charming, you know better than to park two of them together in the same building or leave your children unattended in their presence.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Taking a cue from a recent high-profile trial, you’ll pretend to faint at the beginning of a hearing next month over a delinquent municipal fine. However, you’ll realize it was bad choice when the ambulance bill comes out to five times the cost of the original parking ticket.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A few years removed from college, you’ll finally start to question whether you ever truly liked the Dave Matthews Band. While the doubts will persist, you’ll eventually reach a consensus with yourself following a nostalgia-riddled karaoke rendition of “Satellite” at the Alchemy Tavern next week.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Fed up with their decades of lies to the American public, you’ll draft an open letter to city officials and residents of Kansas City, MISSOURI, urging them to decide what state they live. As a nice nod, you’ll datemark the correspondence from Mobile, Alabama City, Hawaii, Florida.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Workplace friendships will get tested next week after management orders pizza as a treat for the staff. While the line for everyone’s first helping is amicable, the second time around will get testy. On the third pass, Susan from HR will kill interns over the last piece of supreme.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll lose a pickup game to Mobile’s own DeMarcus Cousins on the tarmac of the regional airport once he steps off his return flight home from the Olympics this week. You’ll be surprised your smoking habit has had a negative impact on your athleticism.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — The success of the recent closure of the Bankhead Tunnel to allow pedestrians and cyclists will inspire you to build a half-pipe in your front yard. The half-pipe will be open to whomever wants to use it. This will turn into a bad idea, as it will attract millennials.