Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Summertime is heating up and not even Ulta has a product to mask your perspiration, so you’ll approach Maester Cressen about preparing a cooling potion. Beware, it’s poison. You’ll get a free lollipop for your transaction at the Iron Bank of Braavos.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Taking a cue from Hobby Lobby, you’ll attempt to smuggle priceless artifacts from a struggling empire. Unfortunately, Widow’s Wail is worthless without its companion piece, Oathkeeper. You’ll lose a staring contest to the Night King.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In response to local news reports, you’ll attempt to discover an antidote to Vibrio. While the result will actually accelerate necrotizing fasciitis, it will prevent debilitating and embarrassing Greyscale. You’ll renovate the Dreadfort to incorporate a sun room.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll cool off with a bottle of Perdido Vineyards’ White Muscadine during the day then wash it down with a sweet red from the Highgarden at night. You’ll publicly share impure thoughts about Margaery Tyrell then spend a night in the Red Keep’s drunk tank.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Heading up a grassroots movement for the 2020 presidential election, you’ll join rebel forces from the east. You’ll find a fossilized Komodo dragon egg in the Valyrian Freehold and cross Mobile Bay on wooden horses.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Freshening up on your culinary prowess, you’ll improve upon your filet knife skills with a batch of freshly caught mullet. Your cuts will be so precise, your dinner guests will respond when you call them all “Reek.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Diving into ancestral research with a trip to the Mobile Public Library, you’ll discover that your own lineage is quite multicultural. But it will be Jerry Springer who will inform you that you are not descended from a Baratheon bastard.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an attempt to incorporate hunter-gatherer techniques into your convenient but boring routine, you’ll form the Free Folk of Midtown Movement. The Midtown Mobile Movement will refer to you as “wildlings,” but both groups will unite behind a proposed Aldi supermarket.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After losing a claim to all your parents’ land and titles, you’ll pledge your oath to the Day’s Watch. That’s another way of saying you’ll sit on your couch for a few years and binge soap operas.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Thinking it will form a tighter family bond, you’ll propose a slogan to accompany your surname. There’s nothing more catch-phrasey than “I am the one who knocks.” You’ll never unsee the resemblance between the Titan of Braavos and The Vulcan in Birmingham.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — As a valuable swing voter, you’ll tell the two mayoral candidates you’ll vote for whomever installs an Iron Throne in City Hall. You’ll even pay more taxes to see the score finally settled between The Mountain and The Hound.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — An Alabamian by the grace of the Old Gods and The New, you somewhat empathize with the incestuous attraction between Cersei and Jaime Lannister. But despite what Freud suggested, you swear you’ve never had those same feelings about your mom.