Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a week in the doghouse with your significant other, you’ll attempt amends in the form of a chicken dinner. Dodging a flying wishbone, you’ll realize the feud is still active. You’ll give up naming your flatulence for Lent.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To combat the evil forces of the hangover gods, you’ll decide to just keep drinking a little bit forever. The plan goes great until you show up drunk to a distant uncle’s funeral. For Lent, you’ll “give up” talking to family.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Trying to entertain Mobile County’s children during their weeklong Mardi Gras break, you try to bring back the ‘90s toy fad Skip It®. After they’ve all sprained their ankles due to shoddy manufacturing of Nikes, you give up physical fitness for Lent.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As an alternative to the governor’s controversial proposed increase in the gas tax, you propose to institute the nation’s first ass tax. As a health incentive, your plan would charge Alabamians 1 cent per inch of their ass per day. You give up p*ssy grabbing for Lent.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Easing back into the grind of work after a long weekend, you’ll begin to frequently daydream about your coming summer vacation. You’ll give up intentionally unmatching socks for Lent.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In an effort to pander to the most conservative Alabamians ahead of the 2020 elections, you file a bill during the legislative session to require schools to recite a daily Christian prayer using Jefferson Davis’ accent. You’ll give up live Instagrams from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for Lent.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Inspired by their carefree attitude and entrepreneurial spirit, you’ll quit your career to become a Mardi Gras merchandise cart roller. What the customer doesn’t know is everything you offer for sale was picked up off the ground the night before. You’ll give up honesty for Lent.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll need to go to confession after screaming “Snap into a Slim Jim!” at a group of kids and pushing them out of the way in order to catch a plush “Macho Man Randy Savage” doll. You’ll give up cursing for Lent.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Deciding to redecorate your Christmas/Mardi Gras tree rather than disassemble it and store it for the next eight months, you repurpose it yet again as an early Memorial Day tree. You give up recycling for Lent.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be in the market for a new couch after you dog tramples it with four muddy paws. After trying to measure your small midtown house’s door, you determine that getting a new dog would be easier. You’ll give up the aforementioned dog for Lent.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Startled by a midnight knock at the door, you’ll soon realize you’ve been sleeping in a restaurant bathroom since Fat Tuesday evening. You’ll give up calling shallots “franken-garlic” for Lent.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Nearly choking on a grape in the supermarket, you’ll be saved by a passerby. The man turns out to be a cop who needed the grape as evidence in your shoplifting case. You’ll give up petty theft for Lent.
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