Leo (7/23-8/22) — The ‘special friend’ you made at the Nappie Awards last weekend will turn out to be a total freak. You’ll find this out the hard way when he invites you over for dinner and answers the door dressed as Sandy Bear, the mayor’s mascot. You’ll leave quickly before asking where he got the costume, but you’ll have your assumptions.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Feeling run down from a string of afternoons in the mid-90s, you’ll make a beeline for the refreshing oasis that is Serda Brewing. Longing for a refreshing brewski, you’ll happily pull on the doors of the taproom only to find they won’t open. The brewery is a literal oasis for you, as it has moved out of downtown.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — The Tokyo Olympics have you completely overstimulated. First you’ll try to perfect your butterfly stroke in the bathtub and flood the first floor of your home. Undaunted, you’ll take to running around the block in those skimpy decathlon outfits until the HOA intervenes. Next week, like Simone Biles, you’ll drop out of work to focus on your mental health.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Still tired of the political rhetoric tied to the 2020 federal election, you’ll decide to tease candidates at a future municipal election forum by asking silly questions, like what their favorite candy is. It turns out you will find these queries refreshing and you’ll decide to vote for the candidate that dissed Resse’s Pieces the hardest.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Trying to savor the last few weeks of summer, you head to the beach for a week. After discovering you were using a sunscreen product containing cancer-causing benzene for the first few days, you opt to throw it out and use baby oil instead. If you are going to die of cancer, you might as well be tan. Amirite?
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — An exotic boat trip is in your future — if you consider riding to the west end of Dauphin Island in a 30-year-old pontoon boat “exotic.” With enough alcohol anything can seem exotic to you, which is why that boat trip will serve as the backdrop for your fifth marriage — this time to an individual you met two weeks earlier at Dudley’s Lounge on Government Boulevard. It ain’t the “Love Boat” but it’s something. Go for it!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After riding home from the Nappie Awards after-party last week with a complete stranger, you still can’t find your car keys. Or your car. You soon find out your car is still parked at the Ice Box Bar as expected, but the stars indicate your keys are in Uranus.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be locked out of the free snack cabinet at work after partaking in one too many Snickers minis while completing your daily assignments. You’ll be called a glutton at the office, but you won’t let anything, not even a combination lock stop you from your God-given right to enjoy chocolate-covered peanuts and nougats.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Determined to go to the beach on a day where it isn’t actively raining on you, you’ll read about wildfires changing weather patterns in the West. Armed with lighter fluid and as much wood as you and your neighbors can pile in your backyard, you’ll stand back and admire the blaze: your brightest idea yet. The Fire Department, however, will disagree.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You are proud of yourself for trying new things, including that time you ordered the new home workout exercise machine just for the mirror. But you have become more cautious in recent days following your decision to post a profile on the www.heyyou.com dating site and receiving several responses — from your 87-year-old neighbor Buddy. Including photos.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Since your Nappie Awards win for Best Facial Tattoo, you have been feeling pretty confident. The confidence subsided today when you realized, while trying to pay for your girlfriend’s lunch, you had left your credit card at the after party at Ice Box. Your friends did not forget it was there.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Following an unexpected bout of courage, you’ll shell out the cash to jump out of a plane with a friend. As the two of you prepare to fall, your instructors will take a few somber minutes to remind the both of you that you are skydiving over stolen Creek land.
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