Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Convinced a local politician is an alien sent to this planet to rule the globe, who instead got involved in city government, you’ll dig through his trash hoping to find evidence of his molted lizard skin. Instead, you’ll find used face coverings, leftover food and unread New Yorker magazines.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Beware of leftover jack-o’-lantern this week. With Halloween solidly in the rear-view mirror, you’ll take great pride in smashing your leftover pumpkins to smithereens on the sidewalk. When a neighbor sees and reports it, you’ll be forced to drive a city-issued street sweeper to clean it up.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After watching the NFL’s NFC East again during prime time, you’ll start a staggeringly popular petition to have the division wiped from the record books in 2020. Impressed by your determination, Commissioner Roger Goodell will actually not allow the division winner into the playoffs.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After receiving a ticket for the third time due to a false burglar alarm with no alarm permit, you’ll get in the practice of making the alarm go off for no reason as a form of protest. It’ll go fine for you until you are arrested for wasting the police officers’ time over and over again.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After reading that a local small city mayor can make up to $160,000 per year, you’ll become immediately interested in politics. You’ll decide to run for constable because you don’t really understand what they do. You’ll win that election and it will catapult you into the electoral stratosphere. Four years later you’ll find yourself running as a write-in candidate for president.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Confused by the downright dizzying amount of facts thrown around on a daily basis, you’ll construct your own system of reference in the weeks to come. STD, SAT and even DOA will have completely different meanings. Pie charts will be about the same, but it will just be a photo collage of crusted confections you like to eat.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Still unadjusted to the end of daylight saving time, you continue to arrive at all your engagements one hour early. Strangely, the doctor will still not see you until at least 45 minutes after your scheduled appointment. That’s because doctors have their own time zone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Learning a little about how to walk the line of copyright infringement, you secure an angel investment and start up a new computer and technology company called Pear. Your debut device is a state-of-the-art vibrator called the oPhone.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Feeling that he may not be ready to abandon public life altogether, you offer retired Judge Charlie Graddick a new position as ambassador of Bel Air Mall’s food court. The appointment pays off when he successfully negotiates a settlement between Sbarro and Auntie Anne’s to jointly create a pretzel-crust New York slice.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After spending the last four years obsessively watching cable news, you decide to find a new TV network to watch all day, every day. After you settle on HGTV, all goes well for a while as you consider becoming a house flipper or maybe moving to Laurel, Mississippi. Eventually you realize old habits die hard when you start screaming loudly at the TV, “Of course, you are going to LOVE it, who would put $120,000 into their house and then LIST it! Give me a break! Fake news!”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll buy a generator after watching Hurricane Eta ping-pong along Central America. While you won’t use it for any more power outages this year, you will find a way to make it double the lumens of your Christmas lights in retaliation after a neighbor refuses to return a drill motor you lent him.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Having lived through the great squirrel slaughter of 2021, you’ll tell your grandchildren what it was like to see the furry rodents in Bienville Square. They’ll look at you pitifully, sigh and say, “it’s time to go back to the home,” thinking you’ve lost all of your remaining faculties.
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