Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You will become a trending topic on Twitter when pictures of you at dinner with Vladimir Putin surface. Fox News’ Sean Hannity will call you a traitor, while MSNBC will confuse you for Samantha Power. In all honesty, you’ll find Putin incredibly charming and his stories of riding on horseback while shirtless will be entertaining. By the time of your second meeting, you’ll have to delete your social media accounts. You will care less about the crisis in Ukraine, as long as the vodka keeps flowing.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Things start looking prehistoric around the office after the kitchen sink backs up and the dishwasher overflows. No one is willing to hand wash the dirty coffee mugs, so as they pile up, coworkers look for any other semi-clean vessel in which to drink or eat. Paper cups become soup bowls. That plastic cup where you store extra pens gets emptied and filled at the water cooler. The plumber arrives just as the intern is starting a fire, but things get much worse when it’s discovered the office is out of toilet paper too.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — You’ll begin an intense Bible study when rehab ends. You’ll read of the many miracles of Jesus, especially the whole turning water into to wine thing. Shocked by these actions, you’ll find the nearest bottle and partake of the heavenly nectar. You’ll drink it, as if it’s the only true path to salvation. By the end of the night, you’ll have traded one addiction for another. This time though, you’ll refuse to go to rehab, stating that you’ve turned over a new leaf by reading the Bible.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Dizzied by the video-game haze, you’ll look for the nearest armored vehicle to escape from the five-O. However, since you don’t live near an active war zone, your only means of getaway is a slow-moving golf cart. Cops, who will start lightly jogging in pursuit, will catch up to you and throw you to the ground. Bystanders will be filming as a red smoothie will explode on the pavement, looking like thick, icy blood. You’ll be handcuffed and sorry when your family visits you in jail.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Your spot on “Ghost Hunters” will go great until the producers force you and a couple of your friends to perform a séance. Séances never work and this one is no different. Instead of awakening the spirit of Richard Stain, it just makes him angry. He’ll throw a vase against the wall and overturn the table. The segment makes for great footage, but your relationship with the ghost will be tested. It’ll take weeks before he trusts you again. Everyone knows ghost trust is important.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Motivated by the publicity surrounding a crowd-funding campaign for a new pork-free bacon alternative, you return to your test kitchen to concoct other marketable meat substitutions. After a substantial amount of R&D, you seek the patent on Schmork™, which are basically cows whose legs have been amputated at birth so they are shorter and resemble pigs. Being that it’s Lent, it also occurred to you to develop Schmish™, which are just chickens that you’ve defeathered and thrown into a pond.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — News of improving relations with Cuba will have you attempting something no other human has before. You’ll try to swim from Mobile’s port to the small island nation to prove how successful a partnership between the two could be. You’ll make it from one side of GulfQuest to the other before your flimsy arms give out. You’ll run inside to the exhibit that shows Cuban artifacts and take a selfie. It’ll be a popular post, until someone notices the GulfQuest logo in the background. You were so close.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll go out with friends two Fridays from now, the night before leaving for a vacation to California. Your plan to drink and pack will go extremely well while you’re in the middle of it, but you’ll be sad when you get to California and realize the only thing you’ve packed is a week’s worth of socks. Instead of spending money on high-cost commie clothes, you’ll spend two days knitting garments out of the socks you packed. It’ll work out OK, except the garments won’t be made for California’s climate.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After finally throwing out your old couch because of the funky mold smell, you’ll hit the town the find a better alternative. Once you realize purchasing a couch means having to move it down Airport Boulevard, you quickly decide you’d just rather take your afternoon naps on the floor. As luck would have it though, your old couch is still beside the road once you arrive home. With that in mind, you use the tried and true method of “febreze-ing the daylights out of it” before dragging it back into the house.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — At a chili cook off on the Eastern Shore, you’ll get a little spicy when the event’s organizer asks you to take down the American flag towering out of your chili pot. Despite being clearly asked to do so for sanitary reasons, you’ll see the altercation as nothing more than a Marxist infringement of your freedoms. You’ll protest the removal by changing into an American flag shirt with matching pants, but after the event draws to a close you’ll swear off ever entering the “Islamic State Chilli Bonza” again.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After hearing about Comedy Whatever at the Blind Mule, you’ll head down to see what all the fuss is about. After several drinks, you’ll decide to try your hand at the open mic, but will quickly realize the needed skills are far from your wheelhouse. When a few minutes of awkward silence passes you’ll start to get the light to get off stage. Though damaging to your ego, the experience will always be one you’ll reflect back on when thinking “things could be worse.”
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Alabama keeps on Alabama-ing as the state legislature began its semi-annual work session this week. Eager to capitalize on the opportunity to make the state’s enormous Constitution even larger, you propose a 120-page to increase the Speaker of the House’s base pay by $5.5 million, to meet his expectations. A separate 400-page amendment you’ve proposed would likely solve the revenue gap in the general fund, but because it doesn’t include any pictures, lawmakers will never pick it up.