Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — It’ll feel like an early Christmas when all those packages you ordered on Cyber Monday begin to arrive. But once you take full stock of all your impulse purchasing, you’ll regrettably participate in Return Tuesday and Refund Wednesday.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll volunteer as a bell ringer for The Salvation Army. But discouraged by the tepid response to your tiny bell, you’ll bang a gong instead. Your pot will overflow with cash, along with dozens of used copies of the T. Rex single, “Get it On.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You will face the most American of all shopping dilemmas this week while you consider what to buy your favorite pet for Christmas. On Christmas Day, the pet will momentarily take interest in the artisanal treats before simply going back to licking its own anus.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find out not all bike rides are leisurely after driving a late-model Huffy through a wooden fence at a high rate of speed. Not wanting to be mocked for a lack of skills most children possess, you’ll tell your family you were mugged.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To protest a proposed rate hike by the Mobile Area Water and Sewer System, you’ll go completely off the system. You’ll bathe in apple juice and only use Gatorade to quench your thirst. The downside is you’ll always be sticky and have way too many electrolytes.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — As Alabama clinches another SEC title, you’ll face the difficult task of making room for a third statue of Nick Saban. With three Bear Bryants and two Sabans already in your living room, the only option may be to get rid of at least one Pitbull.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) —You’ll be the architect of a plan to help GulfQuest be more successful, beginning renovations to help the museum stay afloat. You’ll captain the building into the Gulf of Mexico and into a more populated port. Unfortunately, the gimmick won’t work.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After injuring yourself at the Optimist Club Christmas tree lot next weekend, you’ll resign yourself to living out the rest of your days in bed, cocooned in high-thread-count sheets. Sure, you could vow to get in better shape, but this is easier.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be on the work crew that demolishes an iconic downtown structure. While many in the past have complained about historic buildings disappearing in the district, nobody will care when Government Plaza is “deconstructed.”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Feeling the market isn’t saturated enough, you’ll produce your own album of Christmas standards. When a local radio station refuses to play the songs, citing their Shatner-esque quality, you’ll throw a tantrum and storm out of the office.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — While stumbling around in a post-holiday stupor at the Shoppes at Bel Air, you’ll run across your old nemesis, Santa. You’ll tug at his beard and loudly berate him for not giving you everything you wanted. Unfortunately for you it will turn out to be just an old, fat guy.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Shovels & Rope will not take too kindly to your efforts to spontaneously join their duo at the Saenger Theatre, an attempt to debut your imaginary supergroup, Shovels & Rope & Bucket. But the pair will incorporate your washboard into their next album, “Bucket Sucks.”