Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll be feeling red in the face after your favorite college team blows a shot at the National Championship because of an “unsportsmanlike conDUCK” penalty. Your Thursday night quickly turns into a drunken stupor complete with a vivacious dialog between you and imaginary referees in your apartment. In the morning’s light, you’ll start a change.org petition to permit any and all celebrations, which miraculously passes through the NCAA. Years from now, people will still have you to thank for classic celebrations like the “Drop Trou Eyebrow.”
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You’ll be waiting outside the house of a suspect in a high-profile case when a woman leaves the home to check her mail. Surprisingly to both you and your followers online, she notices your camera as she approaches the mailbox and does something unspeakable. At first she begins convulsing, but eventually splits down the middle — opening up so that a completely separate, second woman appears to emerge from within her. The second woman promptly shows you the middle finger and the proceeds to check that mail angrily.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Inspired by a recent story out of Louisiana, you’ll start looking for dates in the teacher’s lounge of the local high school. Infiltrating the student population, you’ll eventually make a move on a couple of cute English teachers. You’ll tell them you’re having trouble with a John Donne assignment and ask if they’d mind getting “metaphysical” with you afterschool. Not only do they say no, they remind you that you are, and very much look like, a 40-year-old as police arrive to arrest you.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You will applaud slowly as a municipal enforcement officer writes a litter ticket for the annoying neighbor across the street who made a fort for his kids out of rusty car shells. The attention is well overdue and appropriate in your opinion because his tetanus infected children keep begging for a play date with your children. The action will ease your mind because you have always worried that his fort would lead to the start of a zombie apocalypse.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – After missing his flight home and sleeping in your friend’s minivan for a week, Kid Rock will show up at your doorstep looking for a place to stay. He explains he has the money to get home because he’s a world-famous musician, but instead wants to get the flavor of the working man by crashing at your pad. You will try hard to hide your total disgust before agreeing to allow him access to your home. When he starts to play the acoustic guitar he brought however, you kick him out.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Playing with inflatable balls will get prohibited in the office, after a dumb coworker knocks over a large bottle of water with a beach ball. HR and other bosses are alerted to childlike behavior because the water spills on a pricey piece of office equipment. You will be forced to work for free for the next month before you’ll be fired for instigating the offense. Not to fear, however, as you will be hired immediately as a seaside concert promoter.
Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – You’ve been hungover for days thanks to the aftermath of BayFest. In an attempt to cure your excruciating headache and unsettled stomach, you’ll drink an entire jar of pickle juice. You’ve heard it cures hangovers, so you’ll think now is the perfect time to test the theory with your own version of Mythbusters. However, after it’s too late, you’ll find out the perfect remedy includes just one shot of pickle juice mixed with beef bouillon. You’ll be closer to the porcelain throne than ever before, wishing you only had a simple hangover instead of these Ebola-like symptoms.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – On a whim, you’ll decide getting a tongue ring is a good idea. While everything will seem hunky dory at first, a deeper problem will be brewing under the surface. After a few days, you’ll experience some pain and swelling. Assuming it is normal after a needle has been shoved through your tongue, you’ll ignore the symptoms until your tongue swells so much that you can’t speak or eat. Reminiscing on the days you had your tonsils removed, you’ll embrace the situation, crash at your parent’s place, eat ice cream and secretly steal their pain pills until the situation resolves.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Beer Fridays will soon turn into Liquor Fridays. Instead of partaking in one harmless beer during the last 30 minutes of your workday, you’ll graduate to hard liquor, specifically the horrible cheap kind like Aristocrat vodka. Naturally, you’ll go HAM one afternoon and cubicle volleyball will turn into volleyball suicide. You’ll spike on your neighboring cubicle, causing your coworker’s bottle of water to spill everywhere and ruin one of the new computers your boss just bought for the entire staff. AA is in your near future.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You’ll still be getting up to change the channels on Saturday after destroying your remote during Alabama’s upset to Ole Miss last weekend. Switching between the Tide and the other, lesser games won’t be an option, but just before the Arkansas game, you’ll find a package from a coworker — an Auburn fan — sitting on your porch. After opening up what appears to be the box for a new Direct TV remote, you’ll be surprised to find “Hotty Toddy” written on several thousand pieces of paper.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – After trying for days to download iOS 8, you’ll finally decide that you’ve had it with cellular technology. Brandishing a set of tin cans on a string, you won’t get much of a response from local singles. However, when make a connection with a perspective employer, you’ll get a surprising reaction to the date’s form of communication. Sealing the deal with “Morse code texting” you’ll become a sales manger for a respected company. However, once the senile gentlemen who hired you passes, you’ll be immediately fired – via the tin can phone.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Taking a page from the Raven-Symoné playbook, you’ll refuse to be defined by race or sexual orientation. You’ll also take it step further by rejecting any identification by gender, country of origin or even the name your parents gave you. With some difficulty, you’ll try to convince others to refer to you solely as “an inaudible noise that can’t be represented with English letters.” Mumbling and flailing alone at a Blue Wave bus stop, you’ll finally feel free from the weight of society’s rigid labels.
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