Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You will find yourself in an unwinnable argument with your significant other over whether it’s OK for a man to say “we’re pregnant” when a couple is expecting a child. Your lover takes the side of a popular celebrity who says men shouldn’t say it. You think back to the weird food cravings you experienced and the mood swings and the argument shifts the other way. The only thing you learn from the argument is that the couch is lumpy.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — In honor of the World Cup you will try to perfect your goal celebration and begin to use it in everyday life. An example of this will take place two weeks from Wednesday when you get promoted at work. You will immediately rip off your shirt, swing it over your head and slide across the floor on your knees. Thinking that your show of jubilation is some sort of mental breakdown, your boss will immediately rescind the offer. Americans just don’t understand soccer.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — A well-known stripper and former California gubernatorial candidate will come to a local strip club next week. Disappointed, you will get her confused with a famous, deceased Chicago Cubs announcer. You attend, interested in the hologram technology it will take to bring Harry Carey back to life in Mobile and to eat hot dogs, but will only see what one normally sees at a strip club. The scene won’t stop you from screaming, “Go, Cubs, Go!”
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — You will lose your job next week when your boss finds you napping in the office conference room. You’ll blame your groggy state on a lunchtime double bacon cheeseburger, but as your boss will point out, that doesn’t explain your nakedness. When you mumble about the temperature of the office always being on the warm side of Venus, he’ll call for security. Deborah, the snarky receptionist, will throw you a towel while laughing in your face because of your canning.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You will get fed up at the lack of heart on your son’s tee-ball team. You will eventually get kicked out of the game by the umpire, who also tends a bar downtown, but not before screaming obscenities at the children and leisurely but aggressively running the bases. You will get restrained by two of the bigger fathers in the crowd, but before they pull you from earshot you wonder aloud how nine infielders could allow the other team to score 16 runs.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You will get more aggressive than necessary at a local silent auction. A chance at cheap Braves tickets will have you strong-arming potential bidders, despite the prize not being great. You will hover over the list and at one point hide it, hoping to remain the highest bidder. You’ll win tickets to the Braves and Marlins and immediately regret the decision, after making the hours long trip. Stay out of the Gulf this week. There are too many things in there that can eat you.
Sagittarius (11/22 -12/21) — You’ll try the 16-ounce burger at Roshell’s on your lunch break next week after being coerced by a coworker. Though it will seem like a good idea at the time, you’ll spend the better part of that day sleeping and moaning under the table in the conference room. You’ll forget about the staff meeting and be forced to lay motionless as the rest of the workforce tries to figure out where you are. After 15 minutes, you’ll give up and announce your presence during a dash towards the restroom.
Capricorn (12/22 -1/19) — Wearing a red, white and blue three-piece suit, you’ll make your way out to O’Daly’s to take advantage of the penny shots for each goal during the United States’ second World Cup match. Much to the surprise of you and the planet, USA is going to rout Portugal — leaving you unable to operate a vehicle or do much more than randomly scream the names of the founding fathers. After a few hours, you’ll wake up hoarse and suitless in the tiny ally by the OK Bike Shop.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — The guy in the cubicle next to yours will come down with the flu this week, and he’ll refuse to take time off. You’ll spend a good part of the workweek spaying everything near you with Lysol and holding your breath as you run by him. After a day or two of being polite, you’ll start wearing a doctor’s mask to work. Eventually, you start methodically sealing him in to his desk area with plastic wrap. In a moment of compassion, you’ll splash some soup and crackers through the grommet. You’re no monster.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — A conference call will devolve into a shouting match when several accomplished professionals refuse to admit it might be their phone buzzing awkwardly. You’ll know it could be your phone, but you won’t like Linda from the Dallas branch’s tone when she asks if “you’re still using Cisco in Mobile.” You’re response of, “everything is buzzy in Texas” won’t get a laugh either, which prompts you start arbitrarily pressing buttons while simultaneously asking if someone is pressing buttons. Despite all that, the team still manages to formulate an impressive marketing strategy.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You’ll order a pizza after a late day in the office. Keeping with the times, you’ll prepay online with a credit card, and as usual, the delivery guy will have no idea where your house is. After telling him several landmarks and road names to no avail, you’ll go and stand in the middle of Springhill Avenue and tell him to drive until he sees someone standing in the median. After several hours you’ll make some Ramen noodles under the assumption you’ve made some random guy in the street’s day.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — After days of failing to come up with an excuse, some friends will drag you out to a rock show. Being younger than you, they’re going to set up shop just in front of the main speakers on stage, which you immediately decide isn’t for you any longer. Wincing and plugging your ears, you’ll officially realize you’re old in that moment. You’ll wonder how anyone could prefer this to an evening of James Taylor and a glass of cabernet. You’ll then leave the show, buy a pair of Crocs and open an IRA.