Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When you hear the city of Fairhope is considering loosening restrictions on noise, you’ll finally buy a Hummer H2 with a horn that plays “Yea, Alabama.” Sure, the houndstooth gas guzzler is ugly as sin, but you’ll be able to annoy Auburn fans while simultaneously causing eye rolls when you drive through downtown on your commute to Mr. Gene’s Beans. Unfortunately, the move proves futile when you realize all parking is restricted to golf carts only.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your boss will fire the self-proclaimed “King of Puns” at your office after he takes his title too far. When your boss copies a humorous email to a handful of coworkers, the King will unleash a string of puns in an email thread that persists for three entire days. Briefly unemployed, the King will find work entertaining guests at GulfQuest, where he’ll ultimately be a floundering failure and soon not make enough money to keep his head above water.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After Alabama wins the SEC Championship, you’ll be too excited to return to work. Instead, you’ll finally make the pilgrimage Crimson Tide fans aspire to. With another championship waiting in the wings, you’ll take the first step on a 266-mile journey to Mulga, Alabama, to visit the home of the team’s matriarch, Phyllis. Tragically, your trek will end “Sooner” than expected after you’re hit by a covered wagon just outside of Jefferson County in an ominous sign of things to come.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be puzzled when a local flyer recruiting for the Ku Klux Klan outlines several points you strongly agree with. At first, you’ll defend the commonalities and maintain that it’s only a coincidence, but after researching the issue, you’ll come to the conclusion that maybe the KKK is a good fit for you. With that in mind, you’ll call the number on the flyer only to find it’s actually a prank call line set up WBLX. Joke’s on you … racist.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll devise a sinister but brilliant plan to lift a few dollars off a Salvation Army bell ringer this week at the Midtown Winn-Dixie. Using a magnetic device hidden in an adorable set of mittens, you’ll hold your hand out expecting a stream of loose coins. As nothing happens, you’ll be reminded that U.S. change is essentially worthless, copper-plated garbage. As a last-minute deflection, you’ll play the whole thing off as a “Banksy-style” exhibition highlighting the volatility of the Federal Reserve.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be able to prove local climate change deniers wrong when you notice the city has changed the ice skating rink at Cooper Riverside Park into a koi pond after the temperatures remain in the 70s through December. Retirees from Fairhope will find Mobile’s new attraction delightful, but the mass of octogenarians and their less-than-polite behavior will force the Mobile City Council to consider restricting the maximum driving age.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Two weeks from Friday, the Obama administration will finally do it. Trying to stem the tide of deaths, the government-issued black helicopters will swoop in to gather everybody’s … snack food. The agents will start with Hershey bars and move to more decadent desserts, snacks and sodas, before going back to the choppers and heading to Washington. While the rest of America is forced to eat kale, Chris Christie will polish off all the country’s processed sweetener. That’s what the hug after Hurricane Sandy was all about.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — The dizzying array of political positions this holiday season will be enough to finally repel you from social media forever. In addition, you’ll get rid of cable and stop paying your utility bill to avoid pundits from all avenues. You’ll basically go off the grid. The only exception is the occasional posting on Instagram of photos of the scrumptious desserts you eat. Political winds and divisions are no match for a perfect chocolate créme brûlée.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your effort to enjoy a peaceful lunch at a local restaurant, briefly removed from the stress of the office and drone of a 24-hour news cycle, will be thwarted by an unannounced visit from the mayor during one of his spontaneous “Chat & Chews.” You’ll remain cordial, thanking the delegate for his efforts and accessibility, but in the end, you’ll encourage him to do a little less chatting and a little more chewing. Your fortune cookie will vaguely read, “Good things come to those who wait.” In bed, of course.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Seizing upon an apparent Hollywood trend, you write a screenplay for yet another romantic drama starring Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper. However, your pitch portrays the pair as wholly uninteresting and unattractive, devoid of notable engagements or substantive thoughts. Years from now the script will be accepted by a UCLA undergrad, who adapts the roles for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Bruce Willis. “Silver Linings Gaybook,” will be a disorienting saga of mediocrity, and will win the Razzie Award for worst picture of 2022.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an attempt to capitalize on plans to restore eroded barrier islands, you commit forgery by drawing historic maps, land deeds and records to a fictional offshore property long lost to the sands of time. In support of your claim, you introduce evidence supporting the existence of “Dolphin Island, Alabama” in the form of misspelled social media posts from northern tourists. While the Corps of Engineers remains skeptical, a few well-placed bribes and after-hours drinks will ultimately convince gullible state officials. If you play your cards right, you’ll not only have your own island, but your own nation.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After paying $150 for movie tickets, popcorn and drinks for your family to see “The Good Dinosaur,” you’ll unknowingly bounce a $12 birthday check you sent your nephew. While you’ll enjoy the impressive animation, the Pixar short “Sanjay’s Super Team” will send you into epileptic shock. The seizure won’t last long, but the lingering effects will cause you to wet your pants at the roaring throughout the film. Your rage against Pixar will grow until the release of “Finding Dory.”