Libra (9/23-10/22) — Long a passionate advocate of the First Amendment, you are appalled by the city of Foley’s attempts to curtail a street preacher’s regular sidewalk assembly. You rally the troops, organizing a cadre of libertarians to block traffic at the corner of State Highway 59 and U.S. Highway 98 until “the man” finally caves. But the city will stonewall in the face of your protest. Eventually, the National Guard will be activated to restore order, along with regular operating hours at the Foley Railroad Museum.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As Halloween approaches, you vow to watch a different horror film each night until Oct. 31. Starting with the Vincent Price classic “House of Wax” was a good move, but after one week of scary movies you’ll discover you don’t own enough of the flicks to actually fill the month. After repeated viewings of the first week’s movies, you’ll move on to your kids’ “scary” movie collection including “Barney’s Halloween Fun Adventure,” “Scary Fun with the Wiggles” and “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse of Terror.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be so excited that your Chicago Cubs are finally in the playoffs that you will stop your weekly backyard goat sacrifices. Intended to rid your beloved team of the “Curse of the Billy Goat,” your weekly slaughter can finally cease. You’ll also be happy that you can finally sell the large industrial smoker you’ve been using for the burnings. Your neighbors haven’t been happy about the smell permeating throughout the Fruit and Nut District, but they will love the smoked goat jerky you’ll give them at Christmas.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After nearly 20 years, your wife will finally convince you to throw out your “Bama’s Greatest Games” VHS collection. At first you’ll be sad about the purge, but you’ll finally have garage space for the Big Al inflatable you’ve always wanted. Attempts to sell the videotapes on eBay will be fruitless, as most people who want them are dead or in a nursing home. Eventually, you’ll toss them off the end of the Fairhope pier, where the tapes will later be mistaken for poop on the public beach.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Afraid your guns will be confiscated by federal authorities, you’ll start swallowing small arms before leaving the house to ensure that you’ve got protection when you need it. However, as you’re being mugged just outside the entertainment district, you’ll realize the two pistols and a slingshot in your abdomen aren’t much help against a common street thug. Luckily, after a few minutes of desperately jiggling about in an attempt to fire one of the weapons internally, your behavior will frighten the would-be mugger to the point of retreat. Take that, Hillary!
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After seeing the viral video of fire ants floating on a makeshift raft of other ants during a flood in South Carolina, you’ll decide to take the impending ant vs. human conflict to the next level. With malice and love of country in your heart, you’ll begin shampoo bombing all of the anthills in the neighborhood. However, your quest will end after you’re ambushed by an ant armada floating in your toilet. By the time you remember the bizarre warning you saw in an alt-weekly, it will be far too late.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After receiving several mass emails about the atrocious conditions of the office bathrooms, you’ll start to do your business at work on pins and needles. Paying careful mind to potential splash hazards and lingering scents, you’ll do everything you can to leave the lavatory as you find it. Despite your efforts, a single mistake will give you away after your boss pays for a series of thorough and ridiculously over-the-top forensic tests. Eventually, you’ll be fired and forced to take a job with the U.S. Postal Service.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be part of a group that discovers a time capsule left by the first residents of Mobile. Among the relics left to sift through is a map, the city’s original charter and, surprisingly, a MoonPie. You’ll be astonished to discover the city’s original name translated to “smelly swamp” and the settlers had always dreamed the city would one day be nothing more than a large, above-ground oil storage farm. Armed with this new information you’ll begin to build a corporate dynasty.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be extra irritable next weekend because of a recent diet plan coinciding with a local store that has already set up Christmas decorations. Given it’s only the middle of October, your mood will deteriorate. When your significant other tells you to calm down, you’ll climb the 21-foot-tall fake Christmas tree in the center of the shop in an act a local TV news station will describe as “King Konging.” The police will be called when you begin hurling glass ornaments at shoppers below.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll begin to take up golf again after years off the links. The first couple of visits to the local driving range will go very well. You’ll consistently hit the ball long and straight, much to your delight. However, shortly afterward, you’ll develop what pro athletes refer to as “the yips.” You’ll begin spraying the little white balls all over the expanse of the range. It will become a problem when you begin accidentally pegging other golfers and even hitting the ball backward. You’ll decide to give up golf for good.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Hearing that former Mobile County Circuit Court Judge Herman Thomas can’t catch a break from the Alabama State Bar, you compassionately extend a job offer to the disgraced attorney. While he’s no longer welcome to represent clients in a court of law, you think he’ll excel as the newest instructor at Bikram Hot Yoga, where he will have customers bending and flexing their stress away in a near-nude, sweaty environment, free from the prying eyes of the general public.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Inspired by former professional athletes who rebounded after losing their fame and fortunes to addiction and crime, you decide to go public with your own story of personal redemption. However, book publishers and promoters will not share your enthusiasm over your tale of eventually acquiring an appreciation for eating raw oysters, which was long hampered by an ultra-sensitive gag reflex. You will, however, be the keynote speaker at the annual convention of Shellfish Allergies Anonymous, but the organization will refuse to reimburse your expenses after it’s discovered you violated their bylaw governing illicit use of cocktail sauce.