After making it through the presidential primaries, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief knowing there are fewer terrible decisions to make. In a democracy, there will always be at least one candidate you’d prefer to never see again, but there’s a likely chance you’ll have a couple of reasons to grimace every day from now through Nov. 8. However, with somewhere around 37 names on the original ballot, only having to explain why you hate two will seem like a walk in the park.
Hearing of Apple’s upcoming “new product event” later this month, you’ll take a week off work to attend what you and everyone else will assume is the launch of the iPhone SE. However, you’ll feel a mix of horror and resentment when the California-based tech giant unveils the entirely unanticipated iFan — a desktop fan that does absolutely nothing of note. You’ll be even more upset when the massive sales of something everyone already owns rescue Apple from an otherwise dreadful second quarter.
Having not visited the dentist since your last tooth crisis, you’ll break down and schedule a regular cleaning. However, your concerns will be quickly validated, not because the process is nerve-wracking, but because the dentist is an Alabama fan. It was always statistically likely and those odds are what fostered your aversion to oral hygiene. Just as you imagined, he will almost instantly initiate a one-sided conversation about college football. With a mouth full of foam, you’ll try to refute bogus titles as best as you can, but even for an unhindered ‘barner, that would be a tough sell.
After years of ignoring your personal email account, you’ll finally attempt to address the clutter. With more than 3,000 messages to sift through, unsubscribe from and delete, the process will be lengthy — so much so that by the time you finish, there will be hundreds of new messages. Eventually, you’ll just delete the account entirely, losing an almost unfathomable number of “HUGE SAVINGS” and messages from AT&T erroneously suggesting the company is your friend or has a soul.
You’ll make the mistake of drinking two cups of coffee at midnight in an attempt to finish some work you chose to put off. Though you should have predicted it, the insurgency of caffeine and sugar in the late hours will make sleep nearly impossible, and when it does happen, it will be accompanied by frequent and vivid night terrors. While your work will be done, you’ll be in trouble with work anyway when the police discover you at Lyons Park wielding a baseball bat in your underwear.
Family and friends will begin to worry after you fail to return calls or texts for more than 24 hours. MISSING flyers will be posted around town featuring a smiling photo your mother took on Christmas Day 2012. More than a week later, you’ll reappear, blurry-eyed and sullen, after binge watching the fourth season of “House of Cards,” followed by a re-binge of the previous three seasons and the fourth season again for good measure. Your loved ones will be relieved, but the anxiety will cause your loyal confidante, Jug Tamper, to fall off the wagon again.
Your bipolar disorder will be agitated each and every time you consider how to react to Facebook posts after the ubiquitous social media website introduces emojis beyond a simple thumbs up. Lately, deciding whether you are “love, haha, wow, sad or angry” about that same innovative bacon recipe another friend just shared may send you into a spiral of self-awareness and insecurity. Rather than conform online, you begin to reply to every post with handwritten letters delivered via the postal service.
Learning of a plan by the Mobile City Council to block the mayor from placing his own initiatives on the agenda without a council sponsor, you begin a petition to require a voter referendum each time a councilor wants to spend more than $1,000. Overwhelmingly approved by the electorate but spurned by those in positions of power, the notoriety you gain in your effort will propel you to the top of list of Tea Party candidates for the 2020 presidential election. It’s never too early to talk about the 2020 presidential election.
Hearing that juveniles in Fairhope like to break into unlocked vehicles, you’ll decide to leave your 2006 Mitsubishi unlocked this weekend in hopes one of those kids will steal it. Unfortunately for you, not even 15-year-old delinquents desire the car, which has no air conditioning and smells like stale gummy bears, greasy fast food bags and sweat. Next weekend you’ll leave the windows down and tickets to the Weird Al show on the dash, but even that won’t entice the teens.
Impressed by the running back’s Heisman Trophy season at Alabama, future NFL stardom and “good guy” image, you’ll push your son to become the next Derrick Henry. Starting today, you’ll feed the 8-year-old boy nothing but steak, potatoes and human growth hormone pills while you start him on daily P90X workouts. By the time your son turns 10, he’ll be 6-foot-2 and nothing but muscle, but he’ll also have a full beard, back hair and a voice so deep James Earl Jones would be jealous.
After seeing a trailer for the upcoming “Batman vs. Superman” movie release, you’ll take to Facebook to post your own list of ridiculous characters who should stupidly fight on the big screen. You’ll ask your friends to vote between “Aquaman vs. Sponge Bob,” “Captain America vs. Bernie Sanders” and “Spider-Man vs. The Orkin Man.” Surprisingly, the post will go viral and when Marvel Studios hears about it, they’ll approach you to write the screenplay for a new Joss Whedon film, “Avengers vs. the Carolina Panthers.”
After pretending it didn’t exist for approximately six months, you’ll finally accept a friend request from an older coworker. While you initially thought your political differences and butting social ideals would clash, your mutual love of recipes that feature the crescent roll will build a bridge right over troubled water. If you and lifelong friends, church associates, relatives, parents, workout partners and the mailman can function without discussing any current events, why the hell should you and Marty let it stifle a good thing.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).