Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After hearing about a Texas special teams coach’s problems with a pet monkey, you’ll drive to your beloved Tuscaloosa and make sure Nick Saban’s house lion is locked up tight. No need for any distractions to keep your favorite team from winning the season.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — By working to replace fence posts in your yard all next weekend, you’ll give yourself the nickname “hole assassin” and giggle wildly. You’ll shut it down when people start to get the wrong idea.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Because you’re a troll who hates holidays, you’ll decide to bring up politics at the Thanksgiving table. It won’t go well, but at least you’ll get fewer Christmas cards next year.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your job offer with the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo will be rescinded when it comes to light that you are harboring a contraband kangaroo in your expensive Mobile loft apartment. You love kangaroos, but kind of assumed you’d rue the day you took one as a pet.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll leave your wife and kids for an exotic dancer. It won’t be until you move in with your new love that you discover the “exotic” part of her routine featured a pet monkey. You’ll beg your wife to take you back.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Be suspicious of Scorpios, Sagittariuses and Capricorns for the next few weeks as they have never fully recovered from the holiday season eclipsing their birthdays.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After watching the Braves lose Game 5 of the World Series despite earning a rare postseason grand slam, you quietly realize anything can happen and your faith in this week’s horoscopes will be strengthened.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be welcomed over by your neighbors for gumbo and baguettes glazed with smuggled French butter. Three bowls in, you regret nothing and will ponder going back to the pot for a fourth.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As your annual tradition to spook parents and cause viral social media outrage, you make a false report to the police that you found a grenade in your child’s Halloween candy. The fun will immediately end this year when investigators knock on your door looking for evidence.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Climbing out of your vehicle at Buc-ee’s, your handgun will slip off your front seat, hit the pavement and discharge directly into your buttocks. You’ll be fine, but no, you won’t be meeting President Lyndon B. Johnson as Forrest Gump did.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — As the last Halloween-dressed youngster left your front porch Sunday night two realizations come to mind: You’ve still got way too much candy that you will undoubtedly eat over the next 48 hours, and Christmas decorations are going up in full force at Walmart.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In support of November being, among many other designations, National Novel-Writing Month, you sit down to write that novel about zombies, the Super Bowl and the apocalypse, but two pages in you ditch the writing to devote your attention to Peanut Butter Lovers Month (over World Vegan Month).
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