Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After failing to pass a drug test, you’ll have to take one of the few jobs that consider drug dependency a bonus — a music store associate. You’ll turn your passion for staring at guitars into a big opportunity, finally finding an outlet for your finite knowledge of Fender products. However, after a tragic break room fire singes some of your flowing locks, you will unknowingly commit career suicide by getting a slight haircut. With a hairline above your ears, you’ll be walked to the door by the manager in shame after being immediately terminated. Your lucky sound in 2015 is stomach rumblings.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Depressed after the collapse of the SEC West during bowl season, you’ll attempt to find solace in a new sport. Your presence on the croquet circuit will be welcome until you try to introduce a new contact element to the game. You’re are ejected from a tournament after you sack a player during a title match, but “full contact croquet” will thrive in frat houses around the country, especially after a drinking component is added. You lucky noise in 2015 is a shallow splash.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Your time spent with the construction worker from The Village People will be rewarding and life-changing, but eventually you’ll realize he’s just a knock-off of the original and you’re using him to fill a void created when your father took that job as a cruise director when you were 10. Macho up and drop that hard hat off at the YMCA. Get your life back! A lunch conversation about “The Hobbit” makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Your lucky noise in 2015 is Taylor Swift accepting an award.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — In 2015 significant opportunities for love exist — just not for you. Is this because your personality sucks and your looks aren’t what they once were? Maybe, but the real fly in the ointment is your decision to buy a Smart Car. Let’s be honest, those cars really should only be purchased by people considering a life of celibacy. On the plus side, you’ll be able to include your gas mileage in your profile on Christian Mingle and Farmers Only. Your lucky sound in 2015 is silence.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — January will bring a new-found motivation to your life. Upon hearing the news of Giada De Laurentiis’ divorce you’ll become obsessed with making sweet lasagna with the famed Italian chef. You’ll pursue her and win her affection, but news of her possible affair with John Mayer and the way she pronounces words from her motherland will make you rethink the move. You’ll figure you’re better off jobless and alone than with that situation. Your lucky sound in 2015 is searing meat.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You will be demotivated from job hunting once the “Twilight Zone” marathon begins. You’ve seen every episode of the Rod Serling classic (not to be confused by the new ones hosted by Forest Whitaker’s one-eyed self) about five times each, but watching will still be better than finding a job. You’ll fantasize about the good ol’ days when a grown man could smoke on television. You’ll wax poetic about the pale rings of smoke curling up to the heavens and the cool way the ash is tapped into its tray. Your lucky sound in 2015 is striking a match.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — An agent will see the good review of your work and will invite you to interview for a play in Washington D.C. Low on funds, you’ll take in the scenery by train. During the long trip you’ll connect with the train’s janitor, Richard Stain, while he cleans your car’s restroom. You’ll discuss your lives in detail aboard the Southeast and Pacific Limited, known colloquially as the “P-Train.” You’ll enjoy the trip, but you won’t get the part. Your lucky sound in 2015 is a sigh of relief.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — The year ahead promises to be one in which you’ll spend significant amounts of time speaking with members of law enforcement. The stars don’t say whether you’re going to be arrested, but they do offer the names of some very expensive attorneys you may need to call. A relative in need of a kidney calls soon. Let it go to voicemail. You never know when you may drink out one of your own kidneys. You’ve got plenty of relatives. Your lucky sound in 2015 is Tom Brady screaming “Omaha!”
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After realizing that an “icing applicator” in Play-Doh’s Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain Playset looks like a phallic-shaped toy, you’ll be outraged. What appeared to be an innocent children’s toy will have you trolling the Internet hardcore, blasting photos of the obscene “toy” all over Play-Doh’s Facebook. Though you’ll learn you aren’t alone in thinking the design of the “applicator’ was ill planned, you’ll be the angry parent ringleader. That is until Play-Doh, in addition to Jell-O, is added to the list of Facebook pages you have been indefinitely banned. Your lucky sound in 2015 is a guy revving up his crotch rocket motorcycle.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll think enough time has passed that it’s safe to take back all of the terrible gifts family members gave you at Christmas. Not so fast! You’ll be busted by your significant other while hauling back a pair of salmon-colored pants that made you queasy. In an effort to prevent a rift, you’ll explain that you loved the pants but they weren’t “salmony” enough. Unfortunately your mate will immediately find a pair fitting that description for your exchange. Your lucky noise in 2015 will be the sound of Fred Richardson’s voice.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — At a fancy meal downtown, you’ll be bitten by a plate of radioactive spaghetti. Then, as expected, you’ll develop superpowers related to the Americanized Italian classic dish. With the newfound ability to “hide small pieces of diced onion” and “taste better after a few days,” you’ll take to the streets of Mobile as Spaghetti Man, defender of all that is long and squiggly. Meatballs flying from your fingertips, you’ll stop all the crime Midtown has to offer and do so with an alarming assortment of pasta-related puns at your disposal. Your lucky sound in 2015 is a paper shredder.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After controversy finally drives House Majority Whip Steve Scalise out of his position, you’ll start to worry that former speeches at white supremacy rallies will come back to haunt your own aspiring political career. How were you to suppose know the “Aryan Brotherhood” was a hate group and not a Mardi Gras society? Figuring the best defense is a good offense, you’ll automatically start booking speaking engagements with anti-Anglo-Saxon groups like the New Black Panther Party, and before long you’ll wind up as opening act for Lauryn Hill. Your lucky sound in 2015 is the adjustment of handcuffs.