Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Not seeing the progress anticipated with your weight loss goals, you opt for the slaw instead of the fries the next time you order the “almost famous” Butch Burger with cheese and bacon. Hoping to encourage you, your SO points out that slaw is hardly the more healthy option, what with all the copious amount of mayonnaise in every recipe. Defeated, you retreat to the bathroom to eat a Snickers bar in shame.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Slightly amused at the news of a one-vehicle accident involving Oscar Meyer’s Wienermobile, you begin to think of euphemisms to describe the scene. The “fractured frank,” the “damaged dog” and the “road-weary wurst” come to mind, but “sausage shattered after sliding on a slick surface” sounds like it has some staying power. Years later, you’ll see the same headline on a blog for swingers.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — You’ll become addicted to Girl Scout Cookies and spend your evenings rolling through town, looking for the closest Girl Scout to make a transaction. Now that they’ve got you hooked, several of the future businesswomen will begin to jack up the price. You’ll begin to rob liquor stores to get cookie cash. The vicious cycle will finally end when you wake up in Herndon Park in the middle of the night with cookie crumbs all over your face.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Still entrenched in your video game world, you’ll completely forget about the family gathering planned for Easter. You’ll ignore the several phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook messages reminding you of the trip. Instead you’ll sit at home, drenched in the light of your Playstation 4 and nourish yourself with Code Red Mountain Dew. You’ll finally leave the house, but will instantly begin to recreate your favorite video game scenes. You’re not well.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — In an effort to meet someone new, you’ll setup a Match.com profile. In it, you’ll disclose your devotion to all things child food. You’ll write about the icky taste of fruits and vegetables, and you’ll admit your adoration of peanut butter. You’ll pat yourself on the back for your honesty and will eagerly await the date requests to come rolling in. It’ll be a long, cold winter and you won’t be able to figure out why.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Depressed that Mardi Gras is over, you’ll start your own carnival organization. You’ll establish a GoFundMe account to fund your project, which will actually be doomed from the start. Deciding to name your group the Krewe of Al-Qaeda won’t be your best idea, but you’ll soon have members from all across the globe, coincidentally many from the Middle East. You’re lucky charm this month is an orange jumpsuit.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — An upcoming trip will take a turn for the worse when TSA selects to search your bags at the airport. After inappropriately frisking and feeling you up, security will completely destroy your luggage to uncover the ropes, handcuffs and blindfolds you’ll have stowed away. You’ll try to convince airport staff the items are a result of watching “50 Shades of Grey,” but you’ll be arrested and taken to jail, where one inmate in particular will really show you what 50 shades of gray looks like.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Too much 50-percent-off leftover Valentine’s Day candy will nearly be the death of you this month. A week from Thursday, you’ll be indulging in the chocolate treats, and after one night of heavy binge eating, you’ll experience quite the scare. While lying in bed, you’ll regurgitate chocolate liquid and nearly aspirate. You’ll choke until you pass out, but thankfully, someone will call an ambulance. Barely escaping death by chocolate, you’ll start a campaign against Valentine’s Day, claiming it goes against the sanctity of marriage.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Your dog gets loose this weekend and leads you to meet an exotic stranger. By the time the person finishes regaling you with a story of living among St. Bernards in the Swiss Alps, you’re thinking about wedding invitations. Your enthusiasm will crash the next day when you’re invited into the person’s house only to find no less than 10 St. Bernards. Even with the little barrels of whiskey around their necks, you’re not willing to handle that much dog musk. The song “Jenny” from the ‘80s gets stuck in your head to the point you think your own number is 867-5309.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Knowing that you’ll have Presidents’ Day to recuperate, you’ll take “Sunday Funday” to a new extreme at a local watering hole. Day drinking, dusk and night drinking are all combined in your admirable, but foolish tribute to some of our nation’s greatest political leaders. On the day itself, you’ll wake up with the driest of mouths, the heaviest of heads and the unmistakable feeling that you’ve been stuck by a public transportation vehicle — a feeling you’ll struggle to shake for at least four score and seven hours.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll have to reevaluate some of your lavatory habits after you realize the Wi-Fi connection in your house isn’t strong enough to pass through the walls of the bathroom. With a severe shortage of monthly data and rampant fear of missing even a single round of trivia crack, you’ll start doing your morning business with the bathroom door open. Though the idea is foolproof initially, you’ll feel like quite like quite an ass when your roommate walks in and scares you to the point of dropping your iPhone into the toilet just as you were about to correctly answer a question about Picasso.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Examining information about public officials’ potential conflicts of interest, you decide to dig a little further into a state senator’s Acme Consulting Company. Turns out, the business is just a front for a European crime syndicate and the senator is using a loophole to siphon some of that sweet Alabama education money. The conspiracy will prove difficult to publicize after you notice a dark van tailing your moves. Suspect poison when an unanticipated box of beignets arrives on your doorstep.