Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — As is the case every year, you’ll get Memorial Day and Labor Day mixed up. In the ensuing confusion, you’ll make a very public display of your support for the American Worker instead of the American Soldier, prompting online ridicule from far and wide. After a conservative group shares your story with the baseless headline, “Obama crony hates Americans and soldiers,” you’ll start to receive death threats from active members of the U.S. Armed Forces. Fortunately, you’re dedication to the Duggar family will thwart false reports you are anything but a tried and true American.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — With Morgan Freeman announcing his support for ongoing efforts to legalize marijuana, you’ll decided there’s no sense in hiding your love for the ganja any longer. You’ll hold a support rally in Bienville Square where you’ll proudly proclaim not all pot users are “unemployed hippies.” However, as news of your new commitment spreads, you’ll eventually and predictably be fired from your job. Luckily, you’ll also have more time to practice the ukulele — paving the way for you to become quite the “unemployed hippie.”
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — As sports coverage turns to the impending NBA championship, you’ll realize you’ve once again failed at your unspoken commitment to “get into basketball.” Defeated, you’ll saddle up to watch the last rounds of the playoffs — not once mentioning that you didn’t watch anywhere from 200 to 13,856 games that led up to the current standings in the popular American sport. As always, you’ll know not to cheer for LeBron James, but outside of that, you might as well be lost at sea waiting for a life raft in the form of “a guy with cool hair you wouldn’t mind seeing win it all.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — In response to your new-found confidence during the “dad bod” craze, you decide to quite literally let it all hang out at Hangout Fest this weekend. While something about going shirtless does feel gratifying, you’ll discover women aren’t so much attracted to your stuffed cupcake physique as much as they are to that circular discoloration on your chest that resembles a big ol’ third nipple. For added humiliation, as your pale skin begins to display signs of third-degree sunburn sometime Friday afternoon, you take respite from the sun in the shadow of a body-building bro.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — It’s that time of year when you start getting really defensive about your gardening. From now until the time you’ve harvested all your homegrown tomatoes, you keep one eye open at night for thieving neighbors and harmful pests. A little Sevin dust may prevent one, but you’ll find a couple of well-placed bear traps can serve as a deterrent against the other. Your almost want to compost a friend who suggests you are under-watering in the heat of the day. But things may have gone overboard by the time you’re scouring the neighborhood in search of nutrient rich dog feces to use as fertilizer.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Somewhere between the Foo Fighters and Beck, you decide to rekindle your old passion for the acoustic guitar this weekend. Polishing off a few standard cover tunes, you take your act to the streets, busking downtown around midnight for anybody who happens to wander by. A police officer mistakes your hidden talent for a simple violation of the city’s panhandling ordinance, and you’ll spend a few hours in jail. Undeterred, you’ll write a song about it.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You quickly realize that writing horoscopes isn’t your thing. You are awful at it and you are embarrassed by how bad your ‘scopes are. They follow the same schtick every week: fat jokes, sci-fi puns and references to obscure ordinances in your town. Your spouse will tell you that you are doing just fine. You’ll just have to be more creative, they advise. On your way to work you’ll hear a sports radio report on an NFL investigation into Tom Brady’s footballs and your creative juices start flowing.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — When you hear that the NFL investigated the underinflation of Tom Brady’s footballs, you will remember all those embarrassing things Brady has done over the years. The guy has worn velvet jackets, graced the covers of those stupid men’s magazines in the grocery store, made guest appearances on shows like “Entourage,” and he’s a spokesman for Ugg boots. Still though, you can’t shake the fact that you really, really want to be as ridiculously good looking as he is, deflated balls or not.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — When you heard that Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn offered a football scholarship to an eighth grader, you think back to those innocent days when all you had to worry about was whether or not Suzy Sweetshoes was going to ask you to the Sadie Hawkins dance. You didn’t know anything about scholarships or fancy pants offenses, and if a 6-foot-2 man in a sweater vest with a mouth full of bubble gum had asked you to join him on the Gus Bus you would have called the police. But now, you’ll eagerly await the day when that 14-year-old turns 16 and switches to the Lane Train.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Politically charged social media posts by friends and family will finally convince you to go completely off the grid. You’ll sell your house and build a shack in a wooded area near Grand Bay. Life is great for a while. You don’t have to worry about paying taxes to Obama’s IRS and the state took your annoying children away because of your lifestyle. Your haven will be discovered in five years when developers — studying the county’s residential movement — cut down all of the trees in order to relocate McGowin Park to your location.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You’ll be forced to stop working from home after an incident involving Skype. Five minutes before a virtual meeting with your coworkers, your significant other will surprise you with an impromptu lovemaking session. Your colleagues will “dial into” the conference just in time to see two giant buttcheeks on the video display. You’ll be surprised to hear a loud, yet terrified throat clearing that will indicate there are others watching. You’ll be suspended and sanctioned from further work at home.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Your decision to go back and earn an advanced degree from the state’s top cow college will be thwarted when you receive a letter from the school saying you are just too “cotton-pickin’” smart for their program. Instead you’ll be accepted by the far-superior state liberal arts school. It’s a fortuitous circumstance, as the first school will nearly be stripped of its accreditation for the second time in its history because of corruption. It’s amazing that folks keep going there and rooting for their terrible football team. Scoreboard!
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).