Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With college football head coaching vacancies popping up every week, you’ll throw your name in the ring. With one season of youth baseball coaching under your belt, you’ll embellish your resume. Your days as a co-ed intramural football star and a three-time fantasy football league champ will look good on the resume. Adding “Saban” as your middle name will send you to the top of LinkedIn’s rankings. The resume will land you the USC gig, where you’ll be fired on an airport tarmac after a loss to UAB.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When a friend invites you to his Halloween party at the last minute, you’ll scour the costume aisle at Wal-Mart the night before. You’ll be disappointed the only costumes left in your size are “Banana Man” and “Naughty Nurse.” Depressed, you’ll go home with nothing. Your crafty side will come out as you decide to go dressed as “Recession Batman.” You’ll craft a cardboard Batarang and wear your nicest black sweatshirt for the costume, which will win you first prize in the 2016 Nappies for “Worst Costume on the Eastern Shore.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When you receive the “Hey Dude” DVD collection for your birthday, the memories of 1980s Nickelodeon television will be too much for your emotions to handle. Your eyes will well up with tears just thinking about how awesome “Double Dare,” “Don’t Just Sit There” and “You Can’t Do That on Television” were and how today’s kids will never experience that greatness. You’ll cry like a little girl for the next week and your work friends will become concerned about your mental stability.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll hear one of your friends talk about entitlement culture over a few drinks purchased with his dad’s credit card. Without a job to make it to in the morning, your old friend will have hours to bend your ear about the laziness of people today and how they want “everything handed to them.” Rounding out his argument, your old pal will discuss the “hard work” he put in to earn the C’s that sustained him through his six years at the University of Alabama.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll invest heavily in Pillsbury after noticing the company’s crescent rolls are featured in every recipe that exists online. The move will turn out to be a smart one, when you net a cool $8 million over a single next fiscal quarter. As the city’s newest millionaire, you’ll soon become known as the “doughboy” in some circles. Tragically, a failed rapper and ex-convict who had already laid claim to that name will gun you down in the streets five years from now, leaving a single crescent roll as a calling card.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be surprised after your Superman Halloween costume is deemed to be “offensive” to people who aren’t able-bodied. Labeled an “ableist” — a word you had to look up — you’ll leave a crowded party to find more appropriate attire. You’ll return in a Pope outfit and in a wheelchair, but to your genuine surprise, the “Holy Roller” get up will not be well-received either. Finally, you’ll return a third time, covered in a cut-out bedsheet as a friendly ghost. There’s no way this costume could offend anyone.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll scoff when the World Health Organization finally decides to list bacon, sausage and red meat as cancer risks. You’ll ask yourself, how can this be? Pigs roam around perfectly healthy and they always have bacon inside them. It makes no sense. Cows are full of red meat and bovine cancer is medium rare. Nonetheless, you’ll heed the warnings and become a raw vegan. You’ll begin talking up the positives of your new lifestyle. Unfortunately, your family, friends and everyone you come in contact with will be disappointed.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Weeks after a Geico commercial helps Europe’s “The Final Countdown” reach No. 1 on the Billboard digital download charts, you’ll get behind a push to relaunch “Tears for Fears” into the stratosphere. You’ll get annoyed when the city’s only locally owned, locally programed station refuses to play “Shout” for a third consecutive day, but continue your quest by scream-singing the chorus down Dauphin Street at 1 a.m. The police will soon make you stop and you’ll be forced to start an all Tears For Fears station on YouTube Red.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Sure, it’s the end of the day, but you’ll still be annoyed every Friday for the next month when a colleague decides to play loud cat videos from his desktop speakers. You’ll consider buying him earbuds, but considering it’s 2015, you’ll assume he’s heard of the product popularized in the mid-aughts. You’ll start speaking louder, assuming he’s hard of hearing because of the speakers’ volume. You’ll be so stymied by this, you’ll eventually bring earplugs to work for some peace and quiet.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After depositing the previous 173 unopened emails directly in the trash bin, you finally decide to accept Twitter’s invitation to go #beyondmarketing and “learn how social media can drive your business.” Turns out, it’s one of those “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” schemes, where the amount of capital you invest directly parallels the frequency with which you can spam potential clients. With a little seed money, your online gambling business CanDuel will explode, as millions prove willing to throw their life savings into a competitive bracket determining which celebrity has the nicest ass of the week.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Still swollen with Southern pride after your heritage and independence were scrutinized over the summer by the communist liberal media, you write the secretary of the Navy in an effort to name a warship the “USS Rebel.” Luckily, the moderate new Speaker of the House will support the suggestion in order to placate his Tea Party constituents, but the motion will continue to be suppressed by the executive branch. Eventually, the Department of Defense will relent after it fails to think of a more fitting moniker for its $112 billion prototype fortified canoe.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an attempt to utilize the city of Fairhope’s loosely regulated “Community Development Funds,” you organize a nonprofit event eligible for taxpayer support. The inaugural “Fairhope Fun Times Golf Cart Get Together” will be a smashing success, as drivers from across the city silently motor their battery-powered chariots and share tales of slow adventure and eco-friendliness with like-minded individuals. A repeat request for next year will be complicated by a controversy erupting after the mayor runs over some geese and an elderly couple drives off the Orange Street pier on a journey to watch the sunset.