Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — As Mardi Gras kicks off in its ancestral home, you give a whole new meaning to “let the good times roll.” While the two different incarnations of Joe Cain bicker about historical parading order, you decide to depict the “father of Mobile Mardi Gras” in a third, more modern personification. Until this year, the Port City knew little of Joe Cain, roller derby champion, and as you don your squirrel-tail belt, black frock coat and bright green rollerblades, you celebrate both the pre-Lenten season and a recent marriage equality ruling in a way that will eventually transform Mobile into the ultimate gay vacation destination.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — The news of KFC’s new “Double Down Dog,” a cheese-stuffed hot dog wrapped in a fried chicken breast, has you considering what else you can market to America’s morbidly obese. Within weeks, you’ve pitched the idea of a Caramel Donut Skittles smoothie to authorities at McDonalds and a spam, sausage, bacon, beef and bologna Thickburger to the folks at Hardees. But Wendy’s is where you find real inspiration, and as you prepare to market a four-inch square sugar cube topped with artificially colored layers of aspartame, stevia and saccharin, the ghost of Dave Thomas visits you in a dream and says, “I like the way you think.”
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — As you watch the Northeast dig out from a record-breaking snow storm, you smile gleefully with thoughts of the deep South’s warm winter. The only blizzard you’ll experience this year is at Dairy Queen, where you enjoy it with bits of Heath bars or M&M’s. But you know what they say about karma, so when you’re huddled in your closet this summer as a Cat 5 swirls outside, with only warm beer and a 51-card deck of Bicycles to keep you company, remember this moment. A little humility will do you good.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — You’ll slowly discover that Ina is your perfect match. She’ll make you feel good, while filling your belly with warm breads, cookies and the bacony goodness everyone deserves in their lives. You’ll be comforted by the fact that she’s not a vegan and loves a big, juicy … steak, every once in a while. Her whirlwind trip will end after two weeks and it’ll be hard for you to say goodbye. You both decide the romance should end for now.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll make an effort to stop suffering fools for Lent. The Lord will make that assignment tough though. The ashes won’t even be dry on your face before you’ll run into buffoonery at Government Plaza. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not related to county government. Instead, you’ll find a note from a fellow driver explaining that they hit your parked car. They won’t leave their information, but will only apologize. You’ll calm down from that only to get mildly injured by a guy who ignored a stop light.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — As the jealous type, you’ll immediately exploit your friendship with the railway-employed apparition to spy on your significant other. Whether it’s a “study group,” or “late work,” your significant other always has a good excuse to be gone at key hours, during the evening. Mr. Stain will be able to sneak into wherever your lover claims to be and check, you know, the way that ghosts do. It turns out your lover is unfaithful, as they have consistently been eating food without you.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You and your coworkers will make a bet on who can lose the most weight. Things will go well for a while, and you’ll drop a modest two pounds, but your boss will soon become a Nazi weight-loss dictator. You’ll be forced to take laps around the block, participate in group yoga and do core training until you vomit. While learning what monkey lunges are, you’ll split your slacks and expose yourself to the entire office. Once again, you’ll be thankful your job doesn’t have a HR department.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — You’ve been antisocial lately, but that’s OK! Things will look up for you this week when you decide to venture off your couch and out to a local bar. Having not been in the scene for a while, you’ll be a little skittish at first, but a few shots of Jameson will help you ease back into the swing of things. Things will get sketchy when a stranger starts telling you how the world has turned into Sodom and Gomorrah and that everyone is going to hell in a handbasket. Offer him a shot, and he’ll turn into a pillar of salt.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After discovering a recipe for “herb” brownies, you’ll decide it’s a good idea to start your own “business.” You’ll develop a business model that pretty much indicates you can quit your day job, but things will go awry when someone is hospitalized after consuming one of your concoctions. One by one, your “clients” will become ill, and rat you out without a second thought. You’ll join a widely publicized prostitution ring while in Metro Jail.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After coming into a large sum of money — in the neighborhood of $30,000 — you’ll start to seriously entertain the idea of buying Lagniappe. Owning your own alternative weekly is not without its perks, but it’s a task that takes a few years to get the hang of. After finally getting into the stride of it all, you’ll start a policy of “click quotas” and abandon your local roots. Overtime, your readership will dissolve and Lagniappes will only to be used to cover fictitious homeless people of midtown.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After your bluetooth mouse starts shorting out at work, you’ll revert back to a wired mouse. When that device begins giving you issues as well, you’ll buy a manual typewriter and start working near a payphone. When the payphone gets disconnected, you’ll start chiseling your accounting work on to the side of mountain caves, and Jacob from the communications department will be forced to start repelling up hundreds of feet to bring you the snail mail. Eventually, Jacob becomes a highly successful free climber and hires you as his bookkeeper.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll be shocked by the turnout at the probate courthouse when Alabama finally legalizes marriage to barnyard animals next month. As a completely logical, and a in-no-way-ridiculous analogy to homosexual unions, hordes of men will flock to the courthouse to make their commitments to their hooved lovers official in the eyes of both the law God himself. The ceremonies will be the quaintest thing you’ve ever seen — groom’s side dressed in black, bride’s side, an open pasture
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