Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) —Your new application will become all the “rage” in the patience-challenged community. You’ll make money hand over fist and be delighted by the outcome. Rage will begin to creep back when you’ll be served with a lawsuit from some guy claiming he owns the patent to the technology that allows your application to function correctly. Once you settle, you’ll be left with hundreds of dollars. You’ll continue to be the rage-filled sadsack you always were.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll offer the gravy-wine to the man in uniform. The more he drinks the friendlier he’ll get until you’re able to convince him to give you an extra plastic spoon from the kitchen. You’ll sharpen the handle end of the spoon and begin to chip away at the soft part of an outside wall of your cell. You’ll cover the hold over and over, day after day until it’s wide enough and deep enough for your escape. You’ll use a contraband phone lens to call a getaway driver. You’ll be out of the clink soon.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — You won’t exactly be accepted in the quaint little city. Although you’ll attend church every Sunday, the more uptight residents will still question your Christian morals. In addition to the whispers the men in town, most of whom will be familiar with your work, will try to discreetly take a look at the pseudo celebrity in their midst. Despite all of the Christian backlash and the whispers, you’ll continue to live there because of the low property tax and all of the portable classrooms were really eye catching.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You will make the mistake of stepping on the scale located in the kitchen at your new office. When it reads “228.7” you will think back to all those second and third helpings of apple cheese and fried biscuits you ate at The Gift Horse Restaurant in Foley and the endless buffet of mac and cheese pizza and cinnamon rolls from CiCi’s. You will realize that the P90X DVDs that you downloaded in your 20s were wasted. Next time, you promise yourself, you will choose the “snack” option instead of the “box” at the chicken finger place.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After using a home blood pressure monitor that you purchased for $35 at Walmart you will discover that your midi-chlorian count is abnormally high. While most humans only have 2,500 midi-chlorians per cell, you will discover that your levels reach 19,757 per cell. With your newfound Force sensitivity you become a founding member of the Mobile-Baldwin Jedi Alliance, formed in response to the resurgence of the Sith Order in Pensacola. Star Wars: Episode XII will be written about your life.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — When the pot brownies that you meant to take on your weekend beach retreat accidentally end up at your office, you decide that it is best not to return to work for the rest of the week. After a week of contemplation you decide that, instead of returning to your desk job, you will move to Colorado to learn the art of glass blowing. You know, for lamps and bowls and stuff. Eventually, the long arm of the law catches up to you and you spend the rest of your days making license plates and hanging out with your new best friend “Biggun.”
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You’ll be fired after a drug test reveals your not-so-original celebration for the famed internet holiday, “4/20” or April 20th as its known by people who vote. Feeling pressured to keep up appearances, you won’t initially tell your family and will opt instead to leave each morning and mill around Bel Air mall. Eventually, your sulky and high appearance lands you a job at Lidz, which is we all know has a liberal drug policy as the employees there specialize in “head changes.”
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — You’ll officially give up on Hollywood after hearing the Netflix reboot of the Tanner family’s adventures will be called “Fuller House.” Realizing that producers now only have to remake something that’s only a few years removed from your media-saturated brain, you’ll call their bluff and start guessing the reboots, revamps and remakes before they’re trending. Coming in fall of 2016: Tina Fey, Laura Linney, Amanda Peet co-star in a “Golden Girls” for a new generation that somehow still features Betty White, though only as an ancillary and damn-near-insulting nod to the original franchise.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After a new employees joins the team at work, you’ll realize how weird you actually are. Attempts to make conversation fail, making you seem clingy and friendless. Much to your horror, you’ll also realize everyone else likes the new guy more than you and may or may not have invited him out to go bowling — something they never did when you first started. Finally, after months of worry and self examination you’ll realize your coworkers don’t dislike you, they just aren’t real and you’re actually in Bienville Square yelling at birds.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — The trolling started immediately after the A-Day game, when your Auburn buddy called just to tell you how mediocre Alabama’s top quarterback prospect looked during the lightly-attended spring scrimmage. Caught off guard by his pre-season arrogance, you struggled with a comeback while hiding the fact that you hadn’t even watched the game yourself. “Well … uh … the Gus Bus is short. And broken down …” is met with confused silence. You need to brush up on your trash talk before August, playa.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — After hearing reports of a several Portuguese man o’ war at Orange Beach, you’ll make the drastic and uninformed assumption the U.S. is being invaded by Portugal. You’ll immediately call your local representative and urge him toward war with the small European country. Not wanting to seem unamerican and without the first bit of informed research, your first-term, tea party congressman will lambast President Obama for his inaction in addressing a “very present threat” along our nation’s coastline in an open letter.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — After hearing the news of Tim Tebow’s return to the gridiron, you’ll start to think it isn’t too late for your’s truly. Though the pads are a little more snug, and your three point stance definitely needs work — you’ll feel extremely confident that you could at least make the practice squad of some bottom of the barrel, almost CFL-level team like the Philadelphia Eagles. Not since that 1988 Tony Danza film have the Eagles stooped so low and risked as much credibility for a notable, but comically brief mark on the weekly news cycle.
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