Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Your affection for tasty bacon jam will once again get you into trouble, as your significant other will discover that you take your side piece to lunch at a popular Midtown dining establish. While you will be munching on hand-cut fries, your loved one will be crushing the windshield of your vehicle with a dirty brick. That’s what you get for trying to pull off an affair over lunch. Everybody knows that hanky-panky is more successful under the cover of darkness.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You will literally burn up the dance floor this weekend while at a friend’s wedding. Your moves won’t bring the heat, but you will knock over a decorative candle and catch your suit jacket on fire. You will immediately remember lessons you learned in fourth grade and quickly stop, drop and roll. Your date will roll up a tablecloth and begin beating you with it to help put out the flames. You should skip the post-wedding barbecue the next day to avoid the obvious jokes.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – You will become enraged when your significant other comes home with a black eye after being attacked, as part of a bad reaction to spice. You will smoke good ol’ marijuana and go on a search for revenge. While your actions will be noble, the exercise will be deemed unsuccessful, as you will decide to stop for pizza on the way. You will go home content and happy, with a full belly. You will immediately go to sleep and never speak of the incident again.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) – Weeks after the local floodwaters recede, a giant sinkhole will open in the middle of your living room. The cool dark place will be perfect to store brewskis and open up much-needed space in the fridge. You will move the cable box and your flat-panel television down there, as a way to escape the wife and kids. You will end your bliss-filled afternoon in the darkness and attempt to surface for more beer, only to discover the kids playing in the hole when you return. Kids ruin everything.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – You will rage when you decide to see the new Nicholas Cage movie that features our hometown as the setting. After years of terrible Cage flicks you still haven’t learned your lesson and will once again be boned by the man responsible for “Ghost Rider.” The visual abomination will make you hate our beautiful city, simply through the transitive property of suck. To quell your frustration you will immediately pop in a copy of “Raising Arizona” and openly weep. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll decide to enter the ranks of exotic pet owners, but will quickly discover a snake was a bad purchase for a total wimp. After deciding you can’t feed a live rat to your new housemate, you’ll start trying to dress raw chicken up as a common white mouse. “Preston,” which you ridiculously name your snake, won’t be able to express it, but he thinks you’re a moron. You’ll see a coworker during a quick jog around the block, which will provide serious motivation to pick up the pace.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – After putting it off for a week, you’ll finally make those brownies despite no one else in the house showing interest in the delectable treats. Licking the bowl and humming, your mind will be wandering to the moist, chocolaty goodness instead of noticing the live bear that has entered your kitchen. Midtown isn’t normally a habitat for bears, as most have moved to West Mobile for better school options for their cubs, but this particular bear has a sweet tooth. You’ll get your brownies, but the bear lands a few punches.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – After a few days with the air on the fritz, you’ll start losing your mind in the may heat. You’ll snap at loved ones and start wearing nothing but underwear around house. You may even start to pick lunch locations based on how cool they keep the dinning area. After spending the better part of a Tuesday in the walk-in Beer Cave of a local gas station, you’ll be asked to leave. They’ve worked there for years and have never seen anyone trying to make their own six-pack for that long.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – A questionable sleeve tattoo will hinder your employment status when your boss finds out you’ve never even read the book your right arm is devoted to. He’ll ask if you’re a Steinbeck fan to which you’ll reply, who? After explaining to him that you thought the “Grapes of Wrath” was a non-fiction book about a war between various vine fruits, he’ll ask you to clean out your desk out for good. With all that new spare time, you’ll finally have a chance to practice those hacky sack skills.
Aquarius (1/20 -2/18) – You’ll declare your candidacy for the state House only to find out that raising money is a crucial first step to any political hopes. After a six-person campaign staff spends two Saturdays selling lemonade, you’ll have enough money for two signs. To get maximum exposure, you’ll scale the RSA Trustmark skyrise to slap them on the Moon Pie. After they go unnoticed for a month, you’ll rig the famed sky confection to fall six months ahead of schedule. You’re arrested, but you somehow win the election.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You’ll have the misfortune of sitting next to a lunatic at a local concert venue. While constantly touching you, she’ll invite you to her puppet show, which you agree to attend — forgetting you’ve already referenced what part of town you live in. A few days after you fail to show up at the abandoned Krispy Kreme for her performance, you start finding string at the foot of your bed each morning. After alerting the authorities, you’ll be shocked to find a single puppet hand resting in your mailbox.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Inspired by old cartoons, you will take your dog to one of many rundown homes in town for a little ghost hunting adventure. You won’t find any ghosts, but a hobo will try to eat your poodle. Once the hobo gets a look at Rover, he’ll decide he needs something more substantial than a dog that you can carry in a purse. He will then tease you for your terrible choice of pet. You will walk home depressed over being mercilessly hobo-teased.