Leo (7/23-8/22) — A few weeks after you plant mysterious seeds from China in your backyard garden, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to harvest fresh Peking duck and General Tso’s chicken along with your fall okra. Oddly enough, when you plant mysterious seeds from Mexico next year, the buds produce piping hot Cheesy Gordita Crunches.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — TikTok will suddenly lose its appeal when it’s purchased by Microsoft, and every attempt to record a video is interrupted by an animated paper clip saying, “It looks like you’re trying to dance, would you like help?” You select “yes” out of curiosity, but get offended when Clippy suggests “stop.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Taking the advice of world-renowned adult and podcaster Joe Rogan, you’ll stop playing “childish” video games. As a change of pace, you’ll start pursuing tried and true grown-person activities like doing hallucinogenic drugs and practicing martial arts naked.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — While trying to navigate the tricky world of dating during a pandemic, you’ll blow a first impression by taking a young lady’s temperature and then saying, “You were hotter on your profile picture.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A lucrative career as a Facebook panhandler awaits you. Simply message friends and tell them “things have been hell lately” and ask for 40 bucks. Yes, this could result in massive amounts of blocks, but there’s still Twitter and email you can use to bum money. A bad pizza looms in your future.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — During an upcoming boating trip, your attempts to keelhaul an overserved passenger on your boat will draw the attention of marine police. Play it cool and confuse them with obscure references to maritime law. If that fails, dive overboard and swim for it.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After your favorite tennis star pulls out of the U.S. Open over COVID-19 concerns, you’ll wonder if it will even be worth watching. Then you’ll remember Andy Murray is a nice guy and with most top players sitting out, he’s likely to at least make the quarter-finals.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’re not the only one to notice McDonald’s drive-thru has become unbelievably slow. Use this knowledge to lead a revolution of people fed up with not getting their Big Macs and Happy Meals in a timely fashion. Lead your people to Chick-fil-A and be recognized as a living god.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Hoping to cut back on drinking, you’ll start jogging in the late evenings to wind down before bed. However, after accidentally running through a crime scene your DNA will link you to a homicide. Two weeks in the slammer, and you’ll be saddled with a debilitating toilet wine addiction.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your furriest friend will really have a change in attitude after winning a local contest naming her the “most adorable dog.” What starts off as a harmless confidence boost will end with an animal that lives in your house calling you out in several sub’grams.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With your experience working a garden hose during a hot summer with nothing else to do, you’ll apply for the job of chief of the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department. If you add the hose work, along with your ability to yell at young children for the most innocuous of wrongdoing, you’ll still have a pretty weak application. The important thing is you put yourself out there.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by “Hamilton,” you’ll write a musical based on former Gov. Robert Bentley’s affair scandal, which saw him leave office prematurely. The character of Wanda’s desk will serve as narrator, while Bentley sings about his love of lobbyists and old age in “The 10 Drool Commandments.”
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