Leo (7/23-8/22) — Trying to find a way around the stalled discussion on annexation, you’ll present Mayor Sandy Stimpson with a plan to grow the city organically. You’ll suggest he promote everyone currently working for the city and force them to move within its boundaries.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After months without meaningful sports, or with your favorite team playing sporadically due to COVID-19 concerns, you’ll force your brain to hate sports. You’ll take up gardening, do housework you’ve put off and actually talk to your family. You’ll hate it.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll force all of your employees and their families to live inside the office until the COVID-19 pandemic ends. Everyone will mask up inside the bubble and order takeout every night. Time away from the outside world and time with your co-workers will remind you how much you don’t like them. It’ll be an awful experience.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Short on time next Monday morning, you’ll find some leftover pie to eat for breakfast. At your next post-COVID checkup, your doctor will tell you to make better choices. You’ll choose a new physician instead of changing your diet.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Learning about the profitable industry of electronic document filing, you bid on a statewide contract to implement a case management system called WolfCourt. Instead of verbatim copies of legal complaints, motions and orders, the system automatically converts every case into a narrative “Law & Order” script.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Disappointed you didn’t survive the vetting process to become Joe Biden’s running mate, you try to salvage your reputation for the coveted appointment as ambassador to Cyprus. Unfortunately, you’ll be passed over for a more qualified candidate who speaks conversational Greek and Turkish, so the only Mediterranean you’ll be visiting anytime soon is the Sandwich Co.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — When schools suddenly close again because of infection rates of COVID-19, you team up with André3000 to introduce a new home-based learning initiative. Aquemini Academy emphasizes such skills as athletics in “Player’s Ball,” literature in “Da Art of Storytellin,’” physics in “ATLiens” and arithmetic in “The Whole World.” As a bonus, all students are equipped with a Cadillac.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get in the weeds, as they say, while preparing what will be the 5,000th meal at home during the pandemic. Using Chef Gordon Ramsay as a role model, you’ll curse at family members, throw dishes around and be an all-around jackass.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Seeking a way to get rich quick, you’ll devise new football uniforms to ensure a season happens, despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Your uniform design protects players from spittle by encasing them in a plastic bubble. The new uniforms will sell quickly until it becomes apparent that there’s no way to throw, catch or carry a football while wearing one.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll make a concerning discovery cleaning out an elderly relative’s home when a bookshelf gives way to a secret room. After some snooping, you’ll realize your grandfather was an active Russian spy into the late 1990s but was unable to communicate with Moscow because your grandmother wouldn’t let him leave the house alone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Given the recent 180 on whether the political opinion of athletes should matter, you’ll use your platform as a local cornholer to advocate for change. After speaking on various QAnon-related concerns, people will ask that you kindly go back to chuckin’ bean sacks.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After a friend accuses you of being unable to handle spicy foods, you’ll take on an aggressive ghost pepper challenge that proves him right definitively. You’ll concede defeat from the bathroom following several minutes of inaudible wheezing.
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