Leo (7/23-8/22) — A case of “The Twisties” will hit you hard and you’ll need to withdraw from work for the next few weeks. This will seriously disappoint your fan base, but not as much as your boss who will remind you that you sit at a desk all day. She will speculate that any odd feelings you’re having may have come from eating an entire bag of Twizzlers.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You decide it’s going to be a good day when the first song that plays on your car radio is “You’re Still the One” — just before you swerve to avoid running over the neighbor’s cat that runs in front of your car and you slam head-on into a telephone pole. Yep, you’re still the one, just not the one you thought you were.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Today is National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, National White Wine Day, Regatta Day, Single Working Women’s Day and even Barack Obama’s birthday. But guess what? It’s not YOUR day. Really, it never is. Accept it. Move on.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You just received an email acknowledging your email request for tickets to next year’s Masters golf tournament, and unlike everyone else you know, your request has been accepted. Then you notice the day for which you have been approved for tickets is the same day as your wife’s family reunion — in Arkansas. A tradition unlike any other.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Remember how you always dreamed of being a college football star? Of scoring touchdowns and having thousands of fans cheer for you and having highlights of your plays shown on ESPN’s SportsCenter? Well, today you get to experience something close to being a college sports athlete: your wife found out you have been cheating on her, thus you are now in the “transfer portal.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You have never been good at New Year’s resolutions or even making healthy changes to your lifestyle. But today will be different. You decide to take a step that can have a truly positive impact on your life as you know it: you have sent an email to Lagniappe nominating yourself for “Best Mobilian Right Now” for the 2022 Nappie Awards. Congrats, you are the first nominee for any of next year’s Nappies. One problem though: you live in Spanish Fort.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — When it is suggested you use the day toward community service in your neighborhood you decide the best course of action toward that aim is to head to the beach. It’s not what your neighbors had in mind, but it turns out, technically, to be a community service. It’s a win-win.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You are feeling lucky, so you take $300 out of the ATM and drive to Biloxi. You go immediately to the slots and, within 20 minutes, your $300 is gone. Completely. Apparently, that feeling you had was simply indigestion. Or confusion. You decide.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Having been labeled as being devoid of culture by friends, you prove them wrong. Viewing all six seasons of “How to Get Away with Murder” you decide to listen to the audiobook of “Atlas Shrugged” without a break,following that by watching all three “Godfather” films back to back and then listening to the box set of Motown’s Greatest Hits, Volumes 1 and 2. Your ARE culture.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Filled with Olympic enthusiasm, you take up jogging again. After the first quarter-mile you’re feeling good, but as you approach the half-mile marker you decide to retire (again). You catch a ride back to your house from a neighbor, go to the fridge, crack open a cold one, and stand on the coffee table (podium) in your den and imagine receiving the gold medal for Recognition That My Athletic Days Are Over. It just may be a world record.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — At the encouragement of friends, you have decided to try an online dating service, where you are matched with a 55-year-old, twice-married former high school driver’s ed instructor and part-time roofer. And it dawns on you: one, your profile needs work, maybe the photo as well; two, you’re only 23; and three, you may need to either re-evaluate your circle of friends or your life.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You finally decide the time is right to return to the movie theater. Prior to the start of the movie you are struck by how few people are in attendance. You glance at the only other person there, who is seated a few rows in front and notice he’s wearing no mask but is wearing a trenchcoat, sunglasses and an oversized hat. And you realize you’re at the wrong theater.
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