Leo: Your light display is hideous

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— It’s January 28, 2022 and you’ve just finished watching the first episode of Netflix’s “Home Team,” where Kevin James portrays Saints’ coach Sean Payton. After the final credits roll, you’ll throw your television in the garbage and start to read a book. 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll gain the distinction of being the first person to swim at the new bayside park at Brookley when it opens in the summer of 2023. Unfortunately that honor will get you arrested as the swimming you did was actually skinny dipping on a hot July day. 

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll stop your car and get out when you notice city staffers replacing old interstate lights this holiday season with what appear to be a fleet of Rudolph-like reindeer with noses all aglow. In addition to the traditional red, the reindeer will have blue noses, orange noses, pink noses and green noses. It’ll be a wild scene, man.  

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A very tough, potentially deadly, decision awaits you. While nosing around in your fridge this week, you’ll notice a mason jar with “Gumbo” written on the lid in sharpie. You’ll vaguely remember your mother bringing it over and full on craving will begin. Problem is, you’re not sure how long it’s been in there. Eventually you’ll make the move 9-out-of-10 gastroenterologists would oppose. Enjoy Christmas in the hospital. 

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Tired of cleaning up pots and pans after each meal at your house, you’ll become a casserole person. You’ll find a way to meet the nutritional needs of your entire family for each meal without dirtying more than one item at a time. The decision will give you boundless amounts of time to do other household chores, or to mow the lawn. What a great idea!

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — By ordering family members “dishwasher safe” gifts, you’ll feel like you’re winning, but maybe not so much. The dishwasher is for dishes, not clothing or other personal items. It might become easier to keep toys clean, but the dishes will start piling up. 

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You have zero Christmas spirit. While taking your family to the drive-through Christmas lights show, complete with music played through the car speakers, you lay on the car horn, trying to rush those in front of you through the display. You receive the finger from a man dressed as Santa who is part of the display. Don’t check your stocking on Christmas Day; it will be empty.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You decide to beat the crowd and start your New Year’s resolutions now. First (and last) on the list: you vow not to make any New Year’s resolutions. You are brilliant. Take a bow.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your friends and family members have stopped coming to your house because, instead of a beautiful (or not-so-beaurtiful) light display at your house you are celebrating Christmas by blasting “Porky Pig sings Blue Christmas” on a continuous loop. Neighbors are considering calling the police.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Remember when you told family members not to worry about getting you anything for Christmas? That they should just concentrate on getting gifts for others? Well, turns out they took you at your word. Merry Christmas.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’re not quite sure what to do: you haven’t yet put up your Christmas tree and you wonder if it’s even worth doing so now. You decided, yes, it will go up, and it will also serve as the Mardi Gras tree, meaning with a couple of decoration changes it can stay up for several weeks. Others call you lazy, you prefer to see it as multitasking.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by the recent AHSAA realignment announcements, you decide to realign the priorities in your life. In taking on the task you realize you wouldn’t make any changes. That was easy.