Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After realizing professional cuddling services are being offered in Birmingham, you’ll immediately relocate to the Magic City in hopes of getting employed. While other professional services involving human intimacy aren’t kind to those of the larger persuasion, your husky build and top-tier “spooning” game will all but guarantee your success as a plus-sized cuddler for hire. You’ll spend your next five years holding singles and couples alike on the couches of Jefferson County before moving back to the coast to retire in Fairhope.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Seeing Barbara Bush attempting to revive Jeb’s campaign for the White House will prompt you to lean on your own mother when resolving issues at the office. The next time a colleague takes issue with your work record, you’ll simply defer to the firm but loving woman who has guided you since birth. When that’s still not enough, you mother can always — like Barbara — use her neck flaps to propel both of you skyward and away from the perils of workplace tension.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an effort to inspire Congress, you’ll work on a compromise to put the office’s latest lunch controversy to bed. After months of having your delicious ham sandwich stolen from the office fridge and playing strong-but-responsible tricks in retaliation, you’ll reach an agreement with Matt in shipping and receiving to stop the madness. Under the deal, he’ll get to continue to eat only a portion of the sandwich each day, but you’ll get unfettered access to the private, yet kind of disgusting, bathroom in the warehouse. It was the No. 2 best option.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an effort to find some peace between environmentalists and the petrochemical industry in Mobile, you’ll help Mayor Sandy Stimpson come up with an accord. In your plan, he will once again look at closing the Civic Center to Mardi Gras organizations as soon as possible and instead insist that coal be stored under its dome. The plan will backfire when parading societies decide to hold their balls each year amid the coal and the coal becomes the most popular throw at Mardi Gras.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your small-batch salt cubes business will take off in a couple of months. Customers will be confused by your product at first because the cubes look so much like sugar, but the critics will be stunned at the taste. Many will remark as to the “salty character” of the new spice. You’ll market it as salt that’s easier to store and easier to dispense than normal table salt. As with everything nowadays, your hand-crafted salt will be popular first on the West Coast and shortly become available nationwide to shoppers everywhere.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — A sudden open seat on the U.S. Supreme Court has you polishing up your C.V. to send to the White House. No, you’ve never had a formal legal education or practice, but you’ve been around, and binge-watching several seasons of “Law and Order” should count for something. Your strong opinions on abortion and the Second Amendment will probably never be vetted by Congress, but Code Pink will reserve a seat for you in the gallery the next time the judiciary decides to weigh in on women’s rights.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be proud of yourself for resisting a tempting late-night invitation from an attractive stranger to drive 40 minutes one-way to provide them with a back rub and intense, overnight spooning session, but nothing more. You’ve driven farther for less — one hour for lottery tickets, 50 minutes for a 40-ounce beer, 45 minutes to buy your mom a gift card from a boutique in Fairhope — but the maturity in deciding to decline the rendezvous will be a sign of progress worthy of reporting to your therapist.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Stepping on the scales for the first time since Fat Tuesday, you find your Lenten fast to be paying practical dividends. Sure, it was always more financially motivated than religious in nature, but Jesus himself would admire your resolve to cut out thousands of calories weekly in exchange for greater financial security and even the occasional modest tithe. While your mother grows increasingly concerned about your well-being, she will attempt to derail your discipline by leaving ample leftovers in a cooler on your doorstep daily.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After seeing a friend using an Apple Watch, you’ll decide to get with the times. As a part-time museum tour guide with little income, you’ll forgo purchasing the expensive accessory and instead wear your old Dick Tracy watch circa 1987. To outsiders, you will look dumb talking into a plastic walkie-talkie watch with Warren Beatty’s face on it, but inside you’ll feel awesome. Unfortunately, a toy collector will also think the watch is awesome and mug you for it at Public Safety Memorial Park.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Fed up with televised presidential debates featuring terrible people, you’ll save up for a secluded home at a seasteading colony in the Gulf of Mexico. Hoping to get away from the political madness, you’ll pack your bags for the floating libertarian hamlet in the Gulf. Unfortunately, because of high insurance premiums you can’t afford the cottage you purchased on Ayn Rand Street. You’ll try to fortify the home, but the colony’s building codes based on Fruit & Nut District architecture won’t allow it.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Seven years after applying for a job with a lawn care company, you still receive monthly emails rejecting your initial application. You have a job you like as a content curator, but the constant reminders of rejection rub you the wrong way, like a blind man rubbing a brick on a cheese grater. You send a reply email saying, “I didn’t want to work there anyway!” but it bounces back, another sign you just weren’t cut out for the lawn care industry, or work in general.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll get swept up in an unstoppable political force this week when supporters of Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump find common ground over their ignorance of governmental operations and a mutual distrust of ever-expanding “mainstream media.” Whether it’s a reformed stoner who couldn’t tell you what Goldman Sachs does or a nationalist Neocon with ambious interpretations of the executive office’s power, it’s more fun to be angry with others. Years from now, you’ll tell your grandkids you were there the day America “just couldn’t even” any more.