Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — You’ll be persuaded to join the aquatic resistance after it’s revealed the U.S. Navy is using its new boat lasers to attack porpoises and the like. Fed up with man’s rampant disregard for God’s creatures, you’ll join the Jihad Dolphins — an organization that is quite “legally distinct” from the (7-6) Miami Dolphins. After a few days of aquatic training, you’ll ride on Uncle Sam clad in laser-proof wetsuits to end the reign of tyranny on the high seas.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After attempting to go to the doctor, you’ll find out your government employer failed to pay your health insurance, resulting in a $500 bill for a couple of bandages. When you bring up the issues next week, your boss will refuse to answer any questions. When your coverage is ultimately reinstated, your employer will have you take the medical bill on chin, but don’t worry, as a municipal leader he’s bound by state law to report the error within the next ten days.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Your combined interests in extreme dieting and national security reached a peak last week, after the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s use of torture to interrogate terror suspects introduced you to the concept of rectal feeding. You thought the “soylent” craze was a little overhyped at first, but when you begin to ingest the odorless liquid with the aid of an enema kit, you really unlock its true potential. Not only will you feel healthier than ever, you’ll feel freer than ever. You make a donation to the Heritage Foundation.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You thought it was the new pair of shoes you bought or maybe your sleek new haircut, but when people from all walks of life suddenly beg you to make sweet love to them, you realize it’s just because D’Angelo released his first new album in 14 years. Take advantage of that silky voice and beats to fill your desires in the bedroom. But don’t let the passion rob you of common sense: D’Angelo is in a close second place for music that makes babies. Who’s in first? Kid Rock.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You slow clap at the news of the New Orleans Saints making it to the NFL postseason. But don’t go planning that “Who Dat?” themed Super Bowl party just yet — remember, we’re talking about taking a lead in the NFC South here. The South Alabama Jaguars have probably faced tougher opponents in their march to the Camellia Bowl. Still, every victory is a validation of that fleur-de-lis tramp stamp you procured during Spring Break 1998.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Desperate for a job, you’ll become the newest employee of a carpet cleaning service called “Cult Cleaning.” At first, you’ll find the chants while cleaning festive, but soon things will take a darker turn. Sure, you’ll think the worship of a retired baseball great is strange, but you’ll become really suspicious when you’re offered “homemade” rice pudding. In a scene you’re pretty sure you saw on “Seinfeld,” you’ll begin to suspect the cleaning service is actually, well, a cult. You’ll decline the pudding, but will no longer be employed.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — After two weeks you’ll start to settle into your new job. You won’t be paid as much, but your stress level is a lot lower. You won’t be able to work up the nerve to tell your significant other about the demotion, but you will have never been happier. More weeks will pass with your lover in ignorant bliss, as your joy turns to pale agony. You’ll eventually have to tell your loved one that you’ve been selling your plasma to keep up with the fancy lifestyle the family has been living. You’ll come clean about the job.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — You’ll be sad about the failure of the hot dog cart, but not for long. The success of a certain British actor will inspire you to go into acting. The first thing you’ll do to start your new career is change your name. You’ll legally become Bigelow Cucumberpatch. With a cool, ridiculous name you will start auditioning for all the flicks that will shoot in the future in Mobile. You’ll just miss out on a new Kevin Costner vehicle. You’ll have better luck next time.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — An upcoming game of Dirty Santa will take a turn for the worse when your grandmother ends up with a pair of crotchless underwear. The gag gift meant for your office party will somehow make it to your family party and end up in the hands of your most modest relative. Initially, she’ll be stunned, but after a few eggnogs in and an impromptu version of “Santa Baby,” she’ll be dying to get in those drawers. Yes, you’ll be scarred for life.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — A week from Thursday, you’ll be rushed by ambulance to a nearby hospital after consuming fish nuggets and a giant pretzel. Though the unique food combination seemed appealing at the time, you’ll be bedbound for days and soon become a local celebrity, as several television news stations will relentlessly speculate connections between Ebola and the tainted fish nuggets. Just be thankful you declined the cheesy dipping sauce.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Even though SantaCon has come and gone, you’re not ready to let the holiday spirit die just yet. In an effort to keep the Christmas cheer alive, you’ll spend your evenings moonlighting as a Santa Claus near popular downtown bars. All is well until an elf offers you a “Reindeer Poop” shot. Without any recollection of further events, you’ll wake up in Metro Jail, charged animal cruelty and child endangerment. On the bright side, your Santa mugshot will make a great Christmas card next year.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You’ll still be recovering a few days after what can only considered the office Christmas party of a lifetime. Though you’ll take a day to sleep it off, images of your boss streaking and endless shots Goldschläger tend to stick with you. After finally showing back up at work, you’ll realize you, and everyone else, no longer have job. The bank accounts will have been drained to pay the bosses bail. Apparently after the party breaks off, he decides to show off his mistletoe to most of Dauphin Street.
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