Virgo (8/24-9/22) — The inauguration of Airbus’ assembly line has you feeling a little stir crazy. Taking your therapist’s advice to be more spontaneous, you stow away in the wheel well of a domestic flight out of Mobile Regional Airport. You’ll regain consciousness as the plane descends into Topeka, Kansas, and spend a week exploring landmarks in Middle America. You’ll accept a ride back from a long-haul trucker, who will talk incessantly about his fondness for the DynaGlo Dual Fuel Gas and Charcoal BBQ Grill™.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Increasingly anxious as the college football season becomes more consequential, you are debilitated by six consecutive nights of insomnia. As your unrested mind enters the realm of delusion, you’ll have visions of infinite yard lines, the Heisman Trophy running in reverse and deep emotional reflections about the omnipresence of the phrase “The Process.” Your madness will exceed the capacities of modern medicine, but a friendly bro will bring you back to reality with a beer and plate of Buffalo wings.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When a work friend discovers you were a film major in college, she’ll ask your opinion on every movie in stock at the Redbox location near her house. “Should I rent ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’?” she’ll ask. When you tell her you watched it with your kids and it was stupid, she’ll call you a film snob. The next day she will ask you about “Scooby Doo!” and “KISS: Rock and Roll Adventure.” Your life will be like that of Bill Murray’s character in “Groundhog Day.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — While at the Fairhope Library researching drugs for a term paper, your computer will be flagged for suspicious behavior. A young man with a pompadour haircut will ask you why you’re looking at pictures of opium at the library. When you say “research,” he’ll direct you to the library’s restroom, which is actually a CIA black site run by the town’s resident conspiracy theorist. After a couple minutes of waterboarding, you’ll give up everything you know about poop on the beach.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — While your co-workers discuss their fantasy football teams for the first weekend of NFL games, you’ll lament that none of your college buddies invited you to participate in their fantasy leagues. You’ll realize you are the old guy of the group. With three kids, a desk job and an 8 p.m. bedtime, you just aren’t cool enough for fantasy football anymore. It’s OK, because you wouldn’t have time for fantasy football this year anyway, since you moderate your wife’s book club on Sundays.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Despite the city’s deteriorating financial shape, your small business in Bayou La Batre can expect a solid fourth quarter. You’ll attribute the success of “Buy You A Battery” to the store’s cheeky homage to the town in which it operates, but the city’s financial struggles will definitely lend a hand in the coming months. As power bills go unpaid, the electric grid will suffer, causing the use of batteries to skyrocket. Indeed, your store will be the area’s biggest success since the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a pair of male burglars named Courtney and Caitlin begin a crime spree in Mobile, the area will come to fear the name “The Androgynous Bandits.” As their prowess grows, they’ll begin to recruit retired crime lords from the ranks of androgyny such as Alex “Two Fingers” Campbell, Pat “The Peddler” Stephens and Chris “Longhairdontcare” Wallace.” With their sexes undetectable on paper, the group will scour the countryside in gender-neutral track suits and toboggans, baffling police profilers for decades to come.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll score a job working for a local congressman as he continues his efforts to let voters know he doesn’t like President Barack Obama’s nuclear agreement with Iran. Despite eight news releases about his stance during a ceremonial House vote opposing the agreement, you’ll still be called on to pass out stickers reading “Ayatollah? More like I’ya told ya. #Iranisbad.” With your extra income, you’ll be able to buy exorbitant amounts of $1.99-per-gallon gasoline between now and the impending nuclear apocalypse.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A tattling neighbor will shut down your child’s birthday party two Sundays from now. The incident will involve the police, a noise complaint and a few choice words. Because of the complaint, you’ll have to cancel the rest of the party. Still fuming a week later, you’ll start your lawnmower at 6 a.m. and leave it running, just staring in your neighbor’s general direction until the gas runs out. Your actions will result in the most satisfying backyard mudhole ever.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After you learn of one Alabama city’s decision to ban saggy pants, or “busting slack,” you’ll email your city councilor with a similar idea. You’ll plead with the representative to ban Crocs from ever being worn on public rights-of-way. You’ll write that the shoes are an unholy abomination and that God put it on your heart to say something. In a response message, the elected officials will inform you that good fashion sense has already led to the blighted shoe’s downfall.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be “feeling the Bern” when self-described Democratic socialist Bernie Sanders stumps in Mobile, following the success of fellow fringe/oddly viable candidate Donald Trump’s appearance at Ladd-Peebles stadium. Unlike Trump, Sanders will only draw 20 people to his speech outside the Keep Mobile Beautiful recycling center on Government Street, but you’ll be happy to shake the hand of the man you initially believe is a Doc Brown impersonator, Back from the Future. You’ll realize your folly when he begins to discuss the wage gap.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — As the temperatures fall into unfamiliar “pleasant” territory, you consider your fall and winter wardrobe. Wary of allowing that red flannel softshell to be the centerpiece of your style for a sixth year in a row, you venture out to a department store to get acquainted with more modern fashions. Falling for the look and feel of down microcell but put off by its price, you slowly catch and defeather the local seagull population to tailor a jacket of your own. A deputy game warden will catch you in the act, but despite his official-looking badge, he’ll be unable to prosecute you for looking damn good and feeling warm, too.
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