Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After voluntarily participating in several uncomfortable conversations about sexual harassment and politically correct language in the workplace, you decide to resort to sign language to complete all your daily business communications. However, complaints are entered into your personnel file anyway after you struggle to express how trains enter into tunnels and you shortsightedly use your middle fingers to explain the art of crocheting.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Ever a proponent of civil disobedience, a local tree-hugger’s brief act of defiance inspires you to chain yourself to other natural resources endangered by developers’ economic interests. Mistaking your intent to protect the bay’s clarity from stormwater runoff generated by a new retail development, a crowd watches in horror as what they think is an escape artist fails to emerge from the depths. You should have used a smaller chain.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After a video of you injuring yourself after allowing your buddy to shoot Roman candles from the top of your head goes viral, you’ll receive glowing praise on the Internet. Your story will be shared on Facebook 345 times when al.com covers your story with the headline “Fairhope man shoots fireworks from head and you won’t believe what happens next!” Too bad you’ll be too doped up on pain meds to awake to bask in your Internet stardom.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your week will be really, really good. You’ll find that pair of Spider-Man socks you’ve been looking for since you moved to a smaller apartment last month. You’ll get an email from Publishers Clearing House announcing that you may have already won a big prize. You’ll get a letter in the mail from a dying Ethiopian prince offering you $189,234,719. The autographed Bruce Jenner poster you won on eBay last year will finally arrive in the mail.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — The first week at your job will be terrible. You’ll break wind in front of your co-workers while waiting in line for the Keurig on your first day. On your second day you’ll accidentally text your grocery list, including a prescription for that weird fungus you can’t get rid of, to your boss instead of your wife. You decide to spend the rest of your first week working from home, but you get canned when you send your boss a “Candy Crush” invite on Facebook.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Overwhelmed by the sheer number of categories, you’ll be too intimidated to vote during the final week of the 2015 Nappie Awards. As a result, your good friends — a lawyer, an OB/GYN, a drag queen, a DJ and a weatherman — will be upset that you turned your back on them. With no friends to turn to, you’ll have to wander the streets of Mobile until you end up taking up residence in an abandoned home in the Whistler community. Do yourself and your friends a favor and VOTE!
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Realizing that GoPro has made a camera the size of an ice cube, your conspiracy-laced paranoia will have you questioning any object large enough to see with the naked eye. The next time someone offers you a hard candy, you’ll reply by screaming, “I don’t consent for my image to be used in any pending government investigations,” which Alice from sales won’t dignify with a response. Alice has always thought you were weird, and after this, she’s almost certainly going to ask for another sack race partner for the upcoming team building exercise.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After you are chased out of the ambulance-chasing business by more ambitious competition, you decide to embark upon a lucrative, emerging legal specialty. It’s called pre-emptive development. You’ll rake in millions in fees advising property owners to avoid silly ordinances and costly delays in favor of paying measly municipal fines after the fact. Donald Trump takes note of your accomplishments and recruits you as his running mate.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll become very ill and die, after consuming a MoonPie from two Mardi Gras ago. While friends, family and other loved ones will grieve for you, you’ll find yourself in front of two large, golden gates with a giant “H” on them. You’ll be greeted by a beardless man-spirit, who will give you an algebra quiz. You’ll pass and immediately be let into heaven. Let that be a lesson to whomever reads this. Study up, math is important, apparently.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Having seen enough of the divisive nature of the Confederate flag, you’ll speak to the Mobile City Council about replacing it on the city’s seal. While others want to leave it alone, or remove all six flags from the seal, you will argue the merits of a biscuit and sausage gravy flag. It will be perfect in your eyes. It will display Southern culture and heritage, without offending large groups of people. Your proposal will be voted down swiftly, due to red-eye gravy and ham lobbyists.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll become outraged when a mall developer cuts the grass in front of a future shopping center. You’ll hotly contest the move, saying the short grass doesn’t fit in well with the neighborhood. The grass debate becomes the hottest news item of the week and you’ll soon be fielding calls from local newspapers and TV stations. The fervor will die down when everyone notices the grass growing back in about two weeks.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll become increasingly aggressive after your second week on anabolic steroids. What starts as a casual habit to keep you in shape leads you to bench press a stranger’s boat and threaten to fight him over his objection to it. Even though human growth hormone is illegal and dangerous, it’s got nothing on the real drug problem in South Baldwin County — the evil marijuana brought in by Widespread Panic fans. Though you often acost and injure random individuals in a blind rage, at least you don’t sleep in their garages.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).