Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Now that college basketball season is over, you can get back to focusing on the sport you hold most dear: competitive eating. News that a 120-pound woman consumed five pounds of bacon in under five minutes has your competitive juices flowing. To one-up the big-mouthed pixie, you announce plans to devour a live, 10-pound suckling in 10 minutes or less. As you study the anatomy of young pigs and work out a game plan, PETA throws a monkey wrench into your plot. If you wish to carry on, offer to exchange some carbon credits for the spectacle.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) —Because of your failure at anger management, the judge will sentence you to house arrest. You’ll be allowed to leave to come to work, but you won’t be allowed to use any electronic devices. This will prove a difficult task because you work in IT for the largest law firm in Mobile. While your boss will say he appreciates the fact you keep showing up, you’re effectively useless and you will be let go. News of your firing will once again send you into a rage. You really should work on that.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — A lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union will hear the Serial podcast based on your life and will petition President Hillary Clinton (who beat Jeb Bush to get elected and then Rand Paul to be re-elected) to pardon you. The plan will backfire when lobbyists for retailers become outraged at the prospect of allowing a shoplifter to go free. You’ll have to wait until the two years on her second term are up. You really can’t trust politicians.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Regular readers of these horoscopes can see it coming. You’ll eventually end up in porn. It’ll be great for you. You’ll shoot five movies a day in an abandoned Beverly Hills mansion. Sure, it’s not exactly what you pictured for yourself when you thought of the future, but it’s a good living. At least the health insurance is amazing (thanks, Obama!). Everything is looking up until the president will force everyone to move from California when it completely runs out of water.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ll be outraged the s’more you think about your friends’ literal attempts to roast you. You definitely don’t knead friends like that, you’ll think to yourself. Days will go by before one of those so-called friends phones you in order to ketchup and see how you’re doing. You’ll tell them politely to drive to the bay endive in, before you’ll conclude the call. Your friends’ attempts to get back into your life will be enough to make a mango crazy. You’ll begin to try to steak a claim for new friends.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After much turmoil surrounding controversial tax hikes and subsequent special election votes, you’ll finally come to terms with giving the majority of your money away to the powers that be. But soon, as talk turn serious about tax increases that may jeopardize your only joys in life, booze and cigarettes, you’ll go straight into panic mode. Hitting up the nearest gas station, you’ll stock up on Pall Mall and Natural Light, only to be forcibly robbed of it just a few blocks down the road. Face it, you’ll never beat the system.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — A discharged weapon during an Eastern Sunday service will only increase the moral majority’s love for automatic weapons. What started as a gimmick news story over a freak accident will evolve into movement that culminates in Pat Robertson hosting an entire episode of the “700 Club” from the center of a live shooting range. Over time — priests, deacons and pastors from across the country will form one of the most “well organized militias” the world has ever seen, leaving a trail of bodies wherever the “War on Christianity” rears its ugly head.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After seeing the outcome of Rolling Stone’s latest failed venture into the world of real journalism, you’ll start to question whether or not the print extension of what has become basically a “listicle” website is the best source for hard hitting news. Realizing that a “systemic editing failure” is never a good indicator, you’ll cancel your subscription and supplement it with the occasional drug-addled ramblings of your friend from college that still can’t over how great Jimi Hendrix was. It’s basically the same thing.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Taking in the gravity of the Atlanta Braves offseason trades, you’ll start to feel concerned that your team will sink the bottom of the Major League Baseball barrel. Then however, you’ll realize it’s 1997 and your team has already sucked for the majority of the past two decades. Additionally, it hits you that baseball is boring and a waste of your time. Looking for more of a thrill in your daily life, you’ll supplant your nightly baseball viewing with reruns of Masterpiece Classic presents “Downton Abbey.”
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — With Edward Snowden in the news again, you’ll remember that you were — at least for a few days — very concerned with government surveillance. Redoubling your efforts to stay off the grid, you’ll change your Facebook profile name to “Nunya Biznes” and delete every photo of you known to exist electronically. You’ll be shocked when you realize exactly how many there are, but after an extensive digital purge, you’ll start working on a fort in the woods behind your trailer park, where you’ll live out your remaining days.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — In order to shave hours off your annual workload, you write a computer program to automatically scrub unedited copy of ridiculous synonyms. At the push of a button, all occurrences of “denizen” are switched to “inhabitant.” Words like “aural” and “sonic” are flagged so you know, at a glance, where to completely eliminate sentences. The program may not appeal to the coastal masses, but it’ll show no quarter to your time management, leaving you begging for more.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You are amused when the statewide leader of a news organization touts the hiring of an “artist in residence” as something remotely related to promoting quality journalism. There are innovative new tools to help reporters tell stories like never before, she recognizes, but the introduction of more visuals will certainly be the key to integrity. Soon, in the interest of full disclosure, she requires reporters who’ve already become de-facto public relations representatives for the Chamber of Commerce to also organize ribbon cuttings and job fairs.
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