Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll try the new grocery “pick up” option at your Eastern Shore Wal-Mart. Unfortunately they’ll be out of the artisanal potato chips and organic cottage cheese. Instead, you’ll receive Doritos and Cheez Whiz. Close enough, right?
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll blitz through town ripping down Halloween decorations you feel are up too early. You’ll continue by pulling banners off the endcaps of a local grocery store for the same reason. Psych evaluations are in your future.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With a hint of fall in the air, you’ll break out your flannel shirt and winter cap. Despite their style and comfort between the hours of 8 p.m. and 8 a.m., come noon you’ll be sweating like Michael Jackson at an orphan’s picnic.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the Alabama Coastal Cleanup, you decide to purge the clutter from your life and organize all your remaining possessions alphabetically and according to color. Weeks later, you’ll be diagnosed with OCD, but luckily, you’ll also be down with O.P.P.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After spending last weekend decorating your front porch for Halloween, you’ll be disappointed when a vigilante sabotages the display overnight. In an effort to protect it, you’ll spend the next six weeks standing guard, motionless, dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Misunderstanding the Mobile Arts Council’s annual “Throwdown,” you’ll arrive wearing nothing but tight briefs and a Mexican wrestling mask. But a fight will erupt anyway after you declare that pop art is boring and Picasso’s Blue Period was more like an ultramarine.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll storm the field during a football game, shirtless and drunk, evading police for about two minutes before becoming winded and surrendering. Despite your very public crime, you’ll be offered immunity along with a position on the force.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After your favorite internet cartoon is hijacked by the “alt-right,” you’ll finally take it upon yourself to shut down Breitbart.com. After learning to code and planning a multistage hack, you’ll realize nobody but your uncle reads the website and apply for a job in IT somewhere.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Despite being reared as a patriotic American, your boycott of the NFL over its failure to condemn peaceful protests won’t last. With a fantasy app beeping and constant peer pressure, you’ll be painting your face again by next Sunday.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As a Republican, you’ll mourn for your party after watching a recent candidate compete on “Dancing with the Stars.” If the rise of Donald Trump wasn’t enough, the fact that Rick Perry’s footwork is far superior to his foreign policy plan should drive the point right home.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by YouTube videos aimed at gaining awareness and acceptance of various disorders, you’ll take to Bienville Square to create your own. You’ll demonstrate your problems with rage by screaming at and breaking the cell phone video recorder when the music starts.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — It’ll be a new battle of the bulge, when your guilt will force you on a juice cleanse after workday candy bars cause your weight to balloon to 10 pounds above your previous high in college. You’ll drink only juice for exactly half a day before consuming a Big Mac.