Libra (9/23-10/22) — After not landing the city’s chief of staff position you’re kind of bummed out so you drown your sorrows like any mature adult would do — “nachos” made out of hot fries, Cheez-Whiz, jalapenos and bits of fried spam. While some people in your life don’t appreciate the finer things, you are a person with exquisite tastes. You know the only thing to wash down your “nachos” is an equally tantalizing concoction of limeade, whiskey and triple sec. Bottoms up!
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Trying to lure a stray cat on a bet will end you being scratched in front of your friends and strangers. While that’s bad enough, it will get worse when you start having a headache, chills, backache and abdominal pain. After going to the doctor for what must be the flu, you’ll learn you have what only Ted Nugent can put into words — Cat Scratch Fever. Yes it’s real and yes you’ll get it.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Out with the old, in with the new — that’s how your love life is going to be in the coming days. The revolving door on your bedroom will be humming with activity, but once your philandering ways are found out, it’ll all change. There will be tumbleweeds rolling through your bedroom … literally. Perhaps you should use your newfound time tidying up a bit.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Life is crazy. One second you’re walking down a street and the next you’re being scouted to become a model. Well, not you so much, but your friend. Fear not! You’ll be the “personal assistant hag” who gets to carry your friend’s bags all around the world when not Googling “nearest vegan restaurant.” Does it blow? Yes. Is there blow? Duh. Will you rack up enough air miles to leave your friend after a blow out between you and your friend’s boyfriend, a Saudi prince? Absolutely. So hang in there and learn to dodge a angrily hurled hair brush.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Days of doing nitrous in a parking lot of a concert will come flooding back when you befriend a dentist who is a little more than generous with the laughing gas. Soon you’ll be getting your teeth cleaned twice a month and sneaking whippets in the grocery store. Get your stuff together or you’ll be on “Intervention” yet again. You don’t want to become a bigger star than the air cleaner huffer.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness used to mean something, but apparently it’s frowned upon when you start growing mushrooms on your property while running an underground slightly illegal high stakes casino. Your fun endeavor will be ruined by your terrible, uncool, nosy neighbor. Some people don’t understand the definition of rude and you’ll suffer. You might want to hold off on the fight club meetings until this all blows over.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — In trying to update your home on the cheap, you’ll bring an infestation of bedbugs, redbugs, lice, crabs and possums from a couch you find on the side of the road. After being bitten by so many bugs, people will think you’re sunburned because you’re so red. Being thrifty is great, but spending $1,000 is a lot more fun if it’s toward a couch and not a doctor’s bill.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You and your friends’ annual attempt to bar hop down and around Dauphin Street will end in typical fashion — a complete sobbing mess. You’ll be in good spirits starting out near Moe’s but things will get rocky before you even hit the Haberdasher. By Alchemy you’ll be in an all-out war with at least two close friends. After the last shot, you’ll not be on speaking terms with anyone including yourself.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will finally pass a test! Specifically you’ll ace an STD test. Armed with good news, you’ll call your friends and go out to celebrate. After copious amounts of alcohol that would rival an ancient Greek party, you’ll woozily woo a new boo. The next morning you’ll wake to only a note from your boo that recommends you “get checked.” Glory can only last so long.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — In an upcoming situation, you’ll be a fish out of water. At a social gathering, you’ll encounter real live adults. They will be drinking responsibly and speaking knowledgably of things like Syria, stocks and something called the S&P. Obviously it will be the worst party ever, but it has you wondering how the other side of the city lives … that is until you do your seventh shot of Fireball and tell them to “S&P this!”
Leo (7/23-8/22) — A particularly creepy encounter in the grocery store will of course end up on Craigslist’s missed connections and obviously a friend will put two and two together. Your friend will go one step further and help your creepy admirer track you down. Your new shadow will be even worse than Creepy Todd from “Breaking Bad.” Don’t let your version of Creepy Todd near your tea.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Don’t get the tattoo you’ve been mulling over for some time now. In about 10 years time, it will mean something much, much, much different. And not a good different … it will be a very bad different. You should totally get the bullring look and pierce your septum. Everyone will be doing that very soon and you can start the trend. But seriously, don’t get the tattoo.