Libra: Buy extra Snickers

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In order to cheer yourself up before the election, you’ll buy one of those gas-powered fireplace inserts. Not only will you forget that you don’t have a fireplace at your house, but you’ll also unsuccessfully try to cook on the contraption when the power goes out due to the latest hurricane. This year will continue to suck for you. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— Taking a politically charged giant face mask from work, you’ll scare your significant other while waiting for them to exit the bathroom into a dark hallway. The loved one will refuse to come out of the locked bathroom because of the sight of the oversized head. 

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll use Halloween as an excuse to deal a final blow in an ongoing feud with a neighbor over the unkempt vegetation in their yard. You’ll throw eggs and hedge trimmers at the house while blaming rowdy trick-or-treaters. The neighbor will get the hint when you hand them a large yard bag to help pick up the debris. 

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Beware of coming hallucinations. Short on money and ideas for dinner over the next week, you’ll forage in your own backyard to help round out upcoming meals. You’ll get excited to pick the little yellow mushrooms sprouting all over the garden. You’ll even sauté them in butter and garlic, but then the real fun begins. 

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a local judge’s comment about Gov. Kay Ivey goes viral, you’ll quietly delete tweets and Facebook comments you previously made that suggest the college she attended isn’t really that good at football. You’ll replace the comments with nothing but respect for the passion and dedication the less talented players from her school exhibit. 

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Applying the lessons you learned about team-building from Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation hearings, you begin to flatter your least experienced subordinates by telling them they are the “most qualified candidates” for management positions. A year from now, as you’re filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, you’ll realize the Republicans mislead you again. 

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Disturbed that you are only just now learning “Zeta” is not the last letter in the Greek alphabet, you enroll in an adult enrichment class for classic philosophy. When Hurricane Omega eventually makes landfall in 2028, you strike “The Thinker” pose and proclaim, “The only thing I know is that I know nothing.”

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by a Mobile County Circuit Court judge, you begin to give silly nicknames to elected officials. Will “The Cowboy” Ainsworth certainly has a bright future in politics and you wonder when Richard “Porkman” Shelby may consider retirement. But you’re surprised when Judge James “Ol’ Dumbass” Patterson refers to the district attorney as “She-Ra.” 

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As an environmentalist and social progressive, you propose the state use its displaced Confederate monuments as artificial fishing reefs. The program proves generally successful, but red snapper fishermen will be disappointed to learn the reefs primarily attract whitefish.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — As COVID-19 numbers in Alabama spike over the next week, health experts determine the annual Mullet Toss was a superspreader event. That level of disease has not been transmitted at the Flora-Bama since Big Earl first sang “Poontang on the Pontoon.”

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Still uncertain about who to vote for when you walk into a voting booth Tuesday, you decide to write your own name under every position on the ballot. You can’t complain about the next president, but why would you need to when you’ve been elected to represent the county as a constable for four years?

Libra (9/23-10/22) — With fewer houses in your neighborhood participating, trick-or-treating will be a bust this year with your 4-year-old only able to secure those weird orange marshmallow things lonely grandmothers give out because they think they’re good. Instead of being disappointed, you’ll turn off your porch light and split the leftover Snickers you bought among the family.