Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You take matters into your own hands to save the Bienville Square squirrels from deportation, and with the help of peanuts, lure them into the back of your 2010 Honda Odyssey and bring them back home to live in your basement. The rodents get into an all-out turf war with your 20 housecats — a battle they were always going to lose.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll load up the minivan with sandwiches and a baseball bat covered with barbed wire and head to D.C. in hopes of getting something going on the one-year anniversary of storming the Capitol. While strangers like your sandwiches, no one is moved enough by them to engage in sedition. You’ll take the barbed wire off your bat and join Nancy Pelosi’s staff softball team.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Confused as to where you want to take your life, you make an impulsive decision to move to Coden and launch an oyster-catching business. On the first day out, you go overboard eating raw oysters and get so tipsy you spend the rest of the day lounging back in your skiff. You fail to fill up even one sack of oysters and can barely navigate yourself back to the boat launch. You figure you’ll save a few hundred dollars on alcohol a month with your new gig.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — When you lose out again for Employee of the Month to Jerry in finance, you’ll begin an investigation into what went wrong. You’ll find no real evidence of any wrongdoing on the part of decision-makers, but you’ll still claim Jerry’s fourth win in a row was fraudulent. You’ll go on strike until the wrong is righted. You’ll eventually be fired and cold.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In search of a quiet dinner you pick a small restaurant, place your order and just as it arrives you realize it’s “Karaoke Night.” You almost made it through dinner — almost — when a 59-year-old woman with blue hair and a lisp takes the stage to sing “Sweet Home, Alabama.” Your bond was set at $5,000.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You received notice you are a candidate for jury duty and sure enough you are picked to serve on the jury for a murder trial. You are somewhat excited by the prospect, but your excitement, along with your service on the jury, abruptly ends when you rise from your seat and yell “Objection!” during cross examination and are removed by security when you demand the judge recognize your objection.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Creativity has usually been your best asset, but it isn’t always on point. Take your latest idea, for example. You hire a literary agent in hopes of finding a publisher for your first novel, titled “Smiley Face.” It’s billed as a 300-page mystery-thriller set in New Orleans, but it is written entirely with the use of emojis. Hmmm.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Looking for a part-time job to supplement your income you decide to apply for one of the many jobs as a waiter. You are besieged by restaurants wanting to hire you, each offering incentives. So you quit your previous office job and take on three different waiter jobs built around your schedule. You’re making enough money, you no longer need that “second job.” Who knew?
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After watching the season finale of “Yellowstone,” you are inspired to move to Montana. That is until you realize how far away you would be from the beach, that you have never been on a horse and Kevin Costner already has a restraining order in place against you. So you start re-watching “Orange Is the New Black” to help plan a new adventure.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You have heard friends talk about their enjoyment in reading “Catcher in the Rye” for years, so you check the book out of the library. You return the book the next day upon recognizing it is not a Yogi Berra biography.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to eliminate some of those “holiday pounds” you start the new year walking five miles a day. It’s a good plan, but with a flaw. It’s now Wednesday, Jan. 6, you’re 30 miles from home and you’re hungry. What do you do?
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After years of consideration, you plan to make that cross-country drive of which you have always dreamed. You get as far as Slidell when you are overcome with the realization you don’t like being in your car for long periods of time. You get a hotel room for the night and return home the next day. Dreams die hard.
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