Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Thinking nothing of it, you’ll troll Bernie Sanders’ Facebook page and expect the quick back-and-forth to be the end of it. However, in true “Bernie-bro” fashion, a hacker will have your personal information available on Reddit within the hour. At first, falling to financial ruin and having your home “Swatted” will seem like the worst of it, but you won’t truly feel the “political revolution” until you’re beaten to death by 18 baristas who ironically call you a fascist the entire time.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll unfortunately be hit by a bus next week, but the accident will force you to miss a late showing of “Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice,” which is about as entertaining as being hit by a bus. You’ll recover in time to see “Captain America: Civil War” but that movie will also be a disappointment. The main plot point where Iron Man gets upset with roommate Captain America over who controls the remote won’t make any sense. The only bright spot is all the characters kill each other.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll angrily join the Republican Party after hearing a local neighborhood forces its residents to pick up after their dogs, even if they poop in their own fenced-in backyards. Freedom to let your dog go where he wants on your own property is the main reason you became a homeowner and you’ll run for and win an elected position to make changes. In your bill, controversially titled the “Furry Bathroom Bill,” you’ll successfully make it illegal for any neighborhood, city, etc., to trample property rights with dog poop requirements.
Leo (7/23-8/2 3) — You’ll be present at a future screening of “The Jungle Book” when a group of animal rights activists storms the theater shouting that the movie celebrates cruelty to our furry friends. You’ll stand up and calmly try to explain that the animals depicted are simply just very well animated and not real. Maybe their vegan and for some reason gluten-free diets have a negative impact on them, but they shout you down. Instead of straining to hear over their hippie musings, you’ll sneak into “Hardcore Henry.”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — With no job, an empty bank account and a fridge full of moldy leftovers, you’ll scramble to find alternative funding sources to fill the gaps in your porous budget. Hearing about impending special tax districts in Baldwin County, you’ll push the county commission to set up one to benefit the “less fortunate” in your neighborhood. The scheme will bring you enough revenue to buy some groceries, but eventually you’ll become rich on taxpayer dollars, which you’ll soon have to pay back to the tax man.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Next week, Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder will catch the flu and drop off the band’s current tour. Rather than cancel, the band will remember the letter you wrote them in 1991 offering your voice in the event Vedder ever quit. You’ll be invited to Seattle for an audition, where you’ll showcase your remarkable inability to sing. The audition wins you the job for the rest of the tour, where you’ll win the hearts of PJ fans by loudly mumbling the words to their favorite songs.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Twenty-seven years after receiving your letter, Bozo the Clown will finally respond and invite you onto his locally produced television show in Chicago. A grown man with a real job and children of his own, you’ll forget all the grownup crap and have a blast playing the clown’s famous Red Bucket Ball Grand Prize Bonanza game. The prize isn’t great, but you’ll cherish the silver dollar and Schwinn bicycle, which you’ll ride to work every day for the rest of your life.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In the wake of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s public apology video, you decide to film one of your own to express your regrets to the nations you slighted during your last cruise. In it, you’ll note how Dominicans are “very rigid” about their bicycle rental policies, while Puerto Ricans remain “stiff” about feeding the parrots. Above all, you’ll observe “Jamaicans are just as unique, both warm and direct. When you disrespect Jamaican law, they will tell you, substantially.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Now that you’ve emerged from the haze of celebrating another 4/20 out of the prying eyes of police, you can carry on with your quasi-advocacy of marijuana legalization. Believing the issue is underexposed, you decide to lobby for more frequent holidays to honor thy sacred herb. What starts as observing 5/20 and 6/20 quickly becomes a weekly and daily ritual, blazing up every 20th hour. Eventually, you and a handful of lazy followers will pass the pipe to recognize “For Twenty,” taking a hit every time you encounter the number two followed by a zero.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Confronting another year of rejection by the Pulitzer Prize board, you throw in the towel on your writing career and take aim upon the Nobel Peace Prize instead. Knowing a ceasefire in the Middle East is a lost cause and having fallen years behind Elon Musk on your space travel research, you decide to redouble your efforts to genetically modify squirrels into believing “nuts just ain’t that good.” The resulting strides you make in behavior modification will be celebrated by the scientific community, but the Nobel board will fail to see the value in rodents with an acquired appetite for raw yams.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll entertain the idea of becoming a pilot after seeing all the increased aviation activity related to Airbus Mobile. However, your history of automobile accidents will keep you from obtaining a license. Not to be deterred, you’ll apply for and receive an online permit to operate hot air balloons, and by this time next year you’ll have implemented them as your daily means of transportation. Though the view is great, it won’t save you any money on fuel. Plus, you’ll be consistently late for appointments that aren’t downwind.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — While attending a Tea Party rally next weekend, you’ll stumble upon a well-kept secret of those whom refused to be tread upon. After hearing the participants sing close to 10 patriotic tunes, you almost won’t notice their seamless transition into a full production of “The Music Man.” As the patriots take their final bow after “Seventy-six Trombones,” you’ll realize the truth — the vast majority of Tea Party members are musical theater lovers. In hindsight, the “Support our Troupes” shirts should’ve given it away.