Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll succumb to the heat and refuse to the leave the house for anything next week. After a few days of sweat-soaked business casual, you’ll start calling into work as well. However, your situation changes drastically once you build a three-piece suit out of instant cooling towels. Though it’s cumbersome, you’ll spend the next couple of days living out a York Peppermint Pattie commercial. The fun will come to an end after the Alabama weather experiences a 30-degree temperature drop overnight, leaving you with pneumonia.

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – To make ends meet, you’ll be forced to sell the couch on Craigslist, and will subsequently spend the next week trying to piece together a suitable replacement. After injuring yourself during a dry run of the “shower curtain hammock,” you’ll finally settle on a Saran-wrapped pile of dirty laundry you fashion into the shape of a chair (patent pending). It will have all the back support you need, and will also prove to be impervious to “seat takers.”

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – A pending drug test will have you on the edge this week, but take solace in the fact that it will all be for naught. A cunning coworker has been strategically placing poppy seed muffins in the break room over the past month, which causes an office-wide outbreak of false positives that render everyone’s results useless. While the selfless act of your colleague may buy you a few more months of employment, it will set you back tremendously in your ongoing battle with muffin addiction.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) – Waiting in line at the movies, you’ll finally find some use for the art of “cutting” you developed in the third grade. With a quick diversion, you’ll slip ahead of more than 15 people. However, your elementary skills will fail you after a perceptive, violence-prone retired Army Staff Sargent notices your otherwise seamless advance. Not even a gym teacher will be able to break up the physical altercation that follows, which you’ll surprising win after employing a another third-grade tactic – feigning an injury and then going for jewels.   

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Your years of being a boring stamp collector will finally pay off when paper money loses all its value. As chaos ensues, you will calmly count the number of Eisenhower defects and Elvis commemoratives in your collection. You will devise a complicated bartering system for food and clothes, which no one accepts. You will end up in sad shape because you will unload your entire collection for a case of Miller High Life. You never have been good with money, but at least you’re drinking the Champagne of beers.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After a zoning dispute leads to an unsatisfactory result, you will attempt to draft legislation to secede from the United States and make your home and surrounding vacant property its own country, without Draconian zoning restrictions. Your plan to create the independent nation of Godlovesfreedomistan works out great. You will quickly acquire more territory and become more and more radical until the U.N. steps in with economic sanctions. Facing starvation, your family will convince you to reclaim your residency.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You will catch a Saved By the Bell marathon on TV next week. You will be inundated with the best moral lessons of late 80s and early 90s teen drama. Even though the show is tremendously terrible, like train-wreck awful, you won’t be able to look away. When you return to society, you will have grown an A.C. Slaterish mullet and will be carrying a giant cell phone around. You will fantasize about Tiffany Amber Thiessen until you walk into a pole and break your cheap sunglasses.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Your significant other will drag you to a unicorn-themed first birthday party next week. Your main problem with the party is not the random bits of small talk you’ll have to make to perfect strangers, or the nasty store-bought cake with fingerprints in it, but instead will be the age of the guest of honor. You will try to explain to your lover that first birthdays are as pointless as an activities director at an old folks home because the guest of honor doesn’t even know what’s going on. You will lose the argument.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Disappointing and sad news from Hollywood will set you off on a binge viewing of Robin Williams movies. You start with his underappreciated roles before advancing to the films that defined his career. You return to real world weeks later inspired to continue his legacy. Those closest to you will appreciate your attempt, but eventually grow tired of being greeted with “nanu nanu” and pinched on the ass while you shout “bangarang!” At least the memories will be with you always.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You will inherit a large sum of money in the coming days. Or so you’ll be told. While cleaning out your spam folder, you’ll come across an email from an old relative. Your great aunt twice removed says she wants to give you everything in her will. Without much thought, you’ll cheerfully reply back with all your banking information. You recently received a promising fortune cookie about financial changes, so this must be it you think. Turns out “auntie” will financially change your bank account to $0.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – A trip out West will spark your interest in medical marijuana. After seeing stores stocked with pot-filled goodies like chocolate bars and even butter, you’ll be dumbfounded. After some research and Facebooking, you’ll start a Facebook group to legalize marijuana for medical reasons – like migraines and back pain – but not for recreational use. You’re no pothead, after all. The Facebook group will quickly garner thousands of likes, but turns out your city will prefer good old-fashioned THC-less Moonpies over laced brownies.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – An intense pizza craving will consume you this week. You’ll want it all – sausage, ham, supreme, cheese and even stuffed crust. In order to satiate your desire, you’ll hit up a local pizza buffet. You need options. But, alas! There will be no pepperoni. In a rage of passion, you’ll storm the front counter and demand a pepperoni pizza to go. However, once you get home, you’ll immediately question your articulation as you open the pizza box to discover a pizza topped only with green bell peppers and onions. In defeat, you’ll grab a pack of antacids and eat your way into oblivion.